Ants in Your Pants...Literally

Warning: This true story leans towards being gross. A friend of mine (and NO it's not me) used one of those reusable, old fashioned douche bags for occasional feminine cleansing. There had been a significant ant problem in the bathroom which she got rid of with spray. Later, she used her douche in the shower and yes, you guessed it, the douche was full of ants, and therefore, so was she. I've been sworn to secrecy about this for as long as I live, but hey, you don't even know her...and NO it's NOT me!

Say What?

Language is a funny thing. I'm told that my mom's parents travelled from OK to CA, very Grapes of Wrath-ish, so that makes me part Okie. My grandpa's mother died in a tornado in Oklahoma, and he received this telegram in CA:
"Momma blowed away today."
The funny thing is, he knew exactly what it meant.

Got Lemons?

Yesterday was my son's birthday. Unfortunately, it was a lousy day for me. If life gives you lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade, right? Well, I swear to God, I've been trying to do that, but my lemonade was really sour yesterday, so I went to the pantry for some much needed sugar, but the sugar was being guarded by two pit bulls, and to my great dismay, the top I was wearing was made of bacon.

Mirror, Mirror

Recently, my daughter and I received our passports in the mail. A few weeks prior, knowing these passports would be seen for the next decade, we had taken great pains, primped for nearly an hour, to look darn good as we made our way to apply. The photographer instructed us to look forward and not to smile. Okay, no problem. We look so good right now; who needs to smile? Imagine our shock when we looked at our photos and saw BUTT UGLY staring back. If we happen to get arrested while in Asia this summer and our passort photos get plastered on all the news channels, I just want the world to know that we are not THAT scary...really!

What Is It About Me?

I am a human magnet for wayward souls. It doesn't matter where I am, they will find me. In Walmart, I'll be asked where to find something, usually by someone elderly, and I end up leading them through the store to the Depends aisle. At Disneyland, out of hundreds of people, I will be asked to take a picture of the couple who wants to pose with Mickey. Anyone selling anything or promoting anything or needing signatures for anything will make a beeline for me as if to say, "There's a sucker. Reel her in." Please help me!!!!

The Happiest Place on Earth?

You could have fooled me. Going to Disneyland is kind of like having a baby. You forget about all the bad after it's over. We were at Disneyland this week, and you should have seen all the miserable kids. By noon, there were thousands of little kids dressed in Disney attire waiting in lines, whining, and couldn't care less if they saw Mickey or not. The parents didn't look too hot either. But, hey, WE had a great time!

The Captain's Log

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.

"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.

"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."

Nothing Tops Seinfeld

I've been waiting, in vain, for a show to atleast equal the witty, wacky, wonderfully written and perfectly casted topdog of all sitcoms: Seinfeld. I've enjoyed Raymond and King of Queens, and I've managed to chuckle a time or two watching Yes, Dear, but they don't hold a candle to Seinfeld. It's no wonder that the Seinfeld actors haven't been successful in other shows; whether they like it or not, they will forever be Elaine, George, Kramer, and Jerry. I saw a few minutes of Jason Alexander's new show, the one with the guy from The Cosby Show, and I couldn't bear it. I was actually embarrassed for good old George... I mean Jason. For the love of God, PLEASE give me a new sitcom comedy to look forward to, one that I judiciously set to record and race home to see without fail, one that rises to Seinfeld greatness. Maybe I'm asking for the moon, but I would like to enjoy another great sitcom comedy in my lifetime. By the way, I've watched Seinfeld reruns 'til I've practically memorized them. I love 'em, love 'em, love 'em! Any other Seinfeld fanatics out there?