An Unexpected Chuckle

I got really tickled over a small thing:
My grocery list tablet says, "Things to Pick Up," at the top.
As I was shopping this morning, I went down the list of "Things to Pick Up," and something caught my eye.
I had written "zesty Italian" because I'd run out of salad dressing.
I don't think my hubby would like it if I picked up a zesty Italian.

Changing Signs

We were bored one night when I was in college, so we decided to change the lettering on a local sign. The letters just slid into rows on this lighted sign, and it was easy to get to, and therefore easy to change. We wrote down the original wording and then went to a local restaurant while I (the word wizard) worked on creating a new message.

Here's what the sign said:
SATURDAY WOMENS DRESSES MARKED HALF PRICE

Here's what we changed it to:
SCARY WOMEN HALF DRESSED SPIKE MURDERS

We left the remaining letters on the ground. I've got a picture of this somewhere in my keepsakes. It's proof that I used to be quite ornery.

A Jamie Dawn Blessing

May your holiday weekend be filled with these:

Rest
-Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. (Mark Twain)

Food
-Never eat more than you can lift. (Miss Piggy)

Fun
-If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it. (Herodotus)

May the Lord bless you and keep you...breathing.

A Girl Called Moose

In third grade, I became a fat kid. So chubby that a fellow classmate started calling me Moose.
I've always been a determined person, so I asked my mom to put me on a diet.
She took me to the doctor, and he gave me a diet book called, "Through the Looking Glass," which had a drawing of a fat girl on the front cover looking in a mirror.
On the back cover, a skinny girl emerged from the other side. Wow! What imagery for a young lass, eager to shed her unwanted nickname.
Now you're wondering, "Can a third grader actually follow a diet?"
I'm happy to report that I lost the extra weight right away. My mom couldn't believe I stuck with it.

By the way, the kid who gave me the nickname turned out to be dumb as a stump. By high school, he hadn't changed his mean ways at all.
I heard him call out to a (quick-witted) fat kid, "Hey, you with the fat!"
The fat kid responded, "Hey, you without the brain!"
Man, that was sweeeeet! That fat kid is my hero!

Very Fishy

When our kids were little, we went to Maui. It was a great vacation. A couple of years ago, my hubby revealed a secret that he'd kept from us for over six years.
While we were snorkeling, Taylor started yelling and crying, saying the fish were attacking and biting him. He got so upset and wouldn't settle down that Daddy had to take him to shore. This meant that Daddy had to stop snorkeling too, which he complained about.
He coaxed Taylor to go back in the water and even reprimanded him, "There's nothing to be afraid of. You're being ridiculous." Nothing worked, so Daddy and Taylor stayed on the beach.
Meanwhile, Courtney and I had a great time looking at all the beautiful fish.
I never saw what was happening under the water around Taylor as I was several yards away, swimming with Courtney. I could never figure out why Taylor was so scared, and Daddy didn't confess until a couple of years ago.
Well, it turns out that Daddy had wanted Taylor to have an exciting time snorkeling and to see a lot of fish, so he had put fish food in Taylor's pockets and tossed food all around him. That's why a ton of fish came charging into him and were practically eating him alive.
When Daddy confessed, we all verbally assaulted him, especially Taylor who thought snorkeling with tropical fish meant being attacked by schools of them.
All those years, poor Taylor could never figure out how Courtney and I could have enjoyed it so much.

Driving Daze

My daughter has been taking driver's training. She came home from a lesson, and I asked, "How did it go?"
Courtney's chipper response, "I'm doing a great job!"
I asked her if the instructor had to use the safety brake at all during the lesson.
"Yes, but only twice. Once, when I ran a red light, and another time when I didn't see a bicyclist."
I guess that's why it's called driver's TRAINING.
After June 6th, Courtney will be eligible to get her license. Look out!!

Today is Courtney's birthday. On May 25, 1988, she changed our lives forever.
I hope you'll visit her delightfully innovative blog.
You'll get hooked if you do.

Spit Worthy

My grandpa was such a character. He'd sit on a barstool watching the little TV on the kitchen counter. He watched only two things: News and TV preachers. He had a bad heart, and those shows always made him mad. He'd shout at the news reporters and preachers with whom he disagreed most of the time. My brother and I always sat close by and waited for the big finish, which happened without fail each time he watched TV. He'd get so worked up, he'd put one of those pills under his tongue, and then with lots of hullabaloo and great theatrics, he'd spit at the TV.

He was sooooo funny. I will write more about him in the future, but here's a sample of something he said:
"Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over, Old Rover took over, for he had a bone of his own."

A Rash Decision

I had my first diaper rash at about one month old. Mom said she needed to go out for a couple of hours, so she left me with Dad.
When she returned home, she heard me screeching at the top of my lungs. Mom rushed in to see my dad scrubbing my bottom with a washcloth. With terrible angst, my dad said, "It LOOKED like the Desitin tube."
Lying next to me was a tube of Ben-Gay.
Dad still feels awful, and to this day, Mom has not forgiven him.

Mayo Yucko!

I believe mayonnaise is the most disgusting condiment ever made. To my chagrin, I'm surrounded by family members who love it, and slather it liberally on a variety of foods. It's almost unforgivable. The smell alone makes me nauseous.

When I was little, my aunt made sandwiches for all of us cousins, and I told her I hated mayo and couldn't eat mine.
She made me eat it, and I threw up all over her kitchen counter.

What I learned:
Mayonnaise is bad for your health.
My aunt should have listened to me.
There's only one reason to keep mayo in the pantry:
To induce vomiting in the event of accidental poisoning.

***Happy Birthday to my Mayo-Loving Husband***
He's an ancient man of 45 years. May 20, 1960

Priceless Gramillo

We'd sit in the den and talk while Gramillo (Grandma) "set her hair." She'd have a comb, curlers & bobby pins.
One time, she didn't have her comb handy, so she grabbed a pen and used it to section her hair. After she finished, she had blue lines all over her scalp.
We laughed at her very "veiny" scalp, and we knew that the next day when she styled it, her thin hair would not be able to cover those lines. Priceless.

Gramillo valued her Lincoln above most everything.
My brother and I were in the car, and she stopped in traffic on railroad tracks. Workers were fiddling with the railroad crossing box, and the crossing barrier came down on the roof of her Lincoln.
"Damn!" my church-going grandma shouted, shocking me speechless.
"Say it again! Say it again!" shouted my little heathen brother. That was priceless.

Voodoo Dolls

I'm giving voodoo dolls to all who read this blog. The dolls will work on three people of your choice. Choose wisely.

I'm using mine on:

Child molester/murderer, John Cooey

Terrorist, Bin Laden

TV evangelist faith healer, Benny Hinn

a.m./p.m. People

This is a term coined by my dad to describe people who frequent a.m./p.m. gas stations. We now use this term about people we see in everyday life who fit the basic description.

a.m./p.m. people are:

1. Not frequent bathers
2. Not fond of dentists or barbers
3. Wearing t-shirts with big, ugly pictures on them or with sayings on them that include profanity (very fond of the F-word)
4. Not quiet talkers. They talk twice as loudly as needed (very fond of the F-word)
5. Always talking about things that NO ONE cares about
6. Fond of tattoos, beer, and cigarettes (none in moderation)
7. Not geniuses
8. Not users of sunscreen
9. Always having a crisis
10. Always thinking people are out to rip them off - "That s.o.b. is trying to screw me!"
11. Never in a hurry, unless that is their current crisis
12. Perfect candidates for the Jerry Springer Show
13. Harsh with their kids in public, even harsher when there's more of an audience - "You little sh--, I told you..."
14. Ignorant but think they know it all
15. Admirers of Billy Bob Thornton and Courtney Love

The H - Word

For years, I've had a tendency to use the words "hideous" and "horrendous" a lot. In high school, I made up a new h- word to use at times when things were beyond hideous or horrendous.
The word is "hitonious," (short i sound, long o sound.)
A bad test grade or a terrible break out of zits would indeed be described as hitonious. I've had many hitonious days and occurences in my life, and so have you. Feel free to use my word whenever needed. It's a feel-good word.
To get used to it, just say these phrases aloud:
"This job is hitonious!" "You are hitonious!" "That's absolutely hitonious!"

Holier than Thou

Church going families and non-church going families have something in common:

Non-church goers sleep in on Sundays and hang out at home to relax before heading back into a hectic work/school week. After a short time together, the siblings start fighting and the parents start yelling at them. Soon the parents are yelling at each other. Before long, doors have slammed and everyone's sick of each other.

Church goers wake up early on Sundays to get ready for church. The kids fight over the bathroom, and the parents yell at them. On the way to church, the kids harrass each other, the wife criticizes the husband's driving, and the husband is angry because they are going to be late because the wife spent too long primping. While at church, all is forgotten, and it's smiles, smiles, smiles. Back in the car, the morning spats continue with a vengeance until they reach home, at which point doors are slammed and everyone's sick of each other.

You be the Judge

My best friend, Tami, absolutely LOVES animals. She picks up strays all the time, cleans them up, and finds them good homes. She is the patron saint of all living creatures, and I mean ALL. She wouldn't speak to her husband for days because he smashed some snails in their yard.
Tami is still upset with me for something I did last summer. When we lived on our ranch, we were fighting an infestation of mice. It bothered her that we had set traps and were killing a lot of mice, but this next part was the clincher:
I found a nest of newborn mice in a drawer in the house, and they were so tiny, their eyes weren't open yet.
I knew the babies would die, so I decided to quickly put them out of their misery.
Tami thought I should have put them in the field and given them a chance to survive. They would have been pecked to death by birds, been eaten by our cats, or died slowly of starvation or cold had I done things her way.
She is still appalled that I chose to hit each one of them on the head with a hammer and instantly kill them. Did I do the right thing, or should I feel guilty?

What's in a Name?

In Sunday School when I was little, I learned that Moses's mother's name was Jochabed.
My mom said I came home crying, "Why couldn't you have named me a beautiful name like Jochabed instead of naming me Jamie, an ugly, BOY'S name."
It bothered me that my parents could have saddled me, a girl, with a BOY'S name.
Well, I've managed to inflict this same cruelty onto my son (unintentionally, of course). Lately, Taylor has been complaining a lot about being named a GIRL'S name.
It's so hard to break the cycle of abuse.

My Hubby's Legacy

After my husband graduated college, the college had to pass new rules in order to keep students from doing the same things he had done:

1. No stealing geese from the local park and putting them into your R.A.'s room.
2. No shaving your friend's butt while he sleeps and his other friends tape it.
3. No scoring professors' speeches with Olympic score cards.
4. No shooting hairspray blow torches underneath dorm doors.
5. No staging a 3 a.m. mock alien landing and scaring the crap out of fellow dorm mates.

His less-than-stellar ways have continued. My hubby invented "Moon on a Stick." This is nylon-covered foam, shaped like buttocks and placed on a stick. Whenever one thinks a fellow driver is deserving, the buns are smashed up against the window. They look pretty real too. I'm so proud.

Full Moon

I was about to step into the shower and realized I didn't have a towel. Knowing no one was home, I made a nude dash to the linen closet, and just as I was reaching for a towel, I heard, "Oh..uh..I'm sorry!"
My dad was at the stairs, having been greeted by my bare backside. How emBARR-ASSing!! I made a beeline to the bathroom and shouted, "Sorry I mooned you!"
My dad and brother talk by phone every couple of days. Do you think this little incident will come up?

A Veggie Crucifix

President Bush once said that the reason he runs regularly is because, "There's a fat guy in me trying to get out."
I can relate because Jumbo Jamie has been scheming for years to find a way to take over.
Whenever Jumbo Jamie starts to emerge, I just wield two celery sticks in the form of a cross to combat her.
At the sight of the celery cross, Jumbo Jamie shrieks, "NO!" and she melts away like the witch from the Wizard of Oz. She knows I don't make idle threats. I'll eat that celery if I have to...with peanut butter, of course.

Mommie Dearest

Happy Mother's Day! My mom is leaving for Europe today on business. She is an almond marketer and will be attending the International Nut Congress in Berlin. My mom's official title is "Nut Handler." We have had so many laughs over this. I love my mom so much. She is beautiful and loving. I hope to have her with me for many years to come. I owe her more than I can ever repay.

Mother's words: "Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!"
-Erma Bombeck

Alliteration Challenge

I decided to write a post in which every word begins with the same letter:

Ghost gayly gave Goblin garden gnomes. "Ghastly gratuitous gifts; goodness gracious!" Goblin gasped glumly. Ghost gushed green goop, glaring, growling. Grudgingly, Goblin's guilt grew.
Goblin's grand gnome garden glistens. Glad ghost, gloomy goblin, giddy gnomes.

It's your turn. Greater admiration comes with using an obscure letter, but all entries will be delightfully enjoyed.

Obsession?

I recently went bra shopping and took notice of the stickers on the bras, and I laughed: "Gel Pads for Super Lift" "Maximum Enhancement" "Underwire and Fully Padded" "Add-a-Size" Why did I laugh? Because I imagined these same sayings be advertised on men's underwear. If you think about it, it would be essentially the same thing.

Slip of the Tongue

I grew up in church, and I have heard many blunders from the pulpit. These are not from some list somewhere but were actually heard with my own ears during the course of sermons:

"And Abraham sat on his ass."
"Indians refer to heaven as The Happy Humping Ground."
"The octopus had great, long testicles."
"You don't want to make sin a hobbit."
"Go to hell, in the name of Jesus."
And the second funniest I've ever witnessed:
"They travelled from place to place pinching their tits...Uh, I mean pitching their tents." His quick correction made no difference; the audience was lost in laughter at that point. As for the funniest I've ever heard, there's no way I would ever put it in print. After all, I'm a lady.

Lose Your Senses

Due to sinus problems over the years, my daughter has almost no sense of smell (which is sometimes a blessing). She was saying that if she had to lose one of her senses, she would have chosen smell over the others. So, we decided to prioritize the senses, most important to least important.
Here's what we came up with: 1. Sight 2. Touch 3. Hearing 4. Taste 5. Smell

It's Just GOD-AWFUL!

A woman from our church passed away last week, and her husband asked my daughter, Courtney the computer wizard, to put together an on-screen pictoral presentation for the memorial service. Just before the funeral began, as people were quietly seated, up on the screen came Courtney's screensaver. That wouldn't have been a problem if it were pastoral scenes conveying calm and comfort, but NO! It was a series of crazy pictures of her brother making GOD-AWFUL, contorted faces. Afterwards, the widower said the pictures made him and his family laugh and broke up the grief a bit. I don't care what he said, that was just GOD-AWFUL!

Tone it Down, Jamie

My last post really shocked and awed. Don't worry; you don't need to grab your blood pressure medicine for this mild entry:

I have an unmarried friend who's a lot like Jerry Seinfeld in that he finds something wrong with every available female he meets. I asked him recently about a certain co-worker, and he said he hadn't asked her out because, "She's a little unrefined." This woman has two masters degrees by the way.
When I asked him what he meant by "unrefined," he said, "Well, she says ValentiMes instead of ValentiNes."
I had to agree; she truly is horrid beyond imagination.