Those Were the Days

These were exceedingly fun when I was a kid:
1. Chinese Jump Rope
2. Jacks
3. Spyrograph
4. Recording mock radio programs
5. Getting ice cream from the ice cream truck
6. Ker-knockers. Did you play with these?
They were heavy glass balls on a string with a plastic circle to hold onto in the middle.
You got the balls swinging up and down, clicking at the top and bottom.
Do you remember this toy? It got recalled due to glass chipping off and flying into kids' eyes.
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This insult packed a verbal punch:
"Up your butt with a coconut! In your ear with a crock of beer!"
But, the ULTIMATE put-down was:
"You're a stupid-idiot caca-butt!"
Notice the use of "butt" in both insults.
"Butt" was also used if you wanted to be funny:
"Have you read: Under the Bandstands by Seymour Butts?"

How Hard Can It Be?

It wasn't hard at all for my family to adopt a soldier.
You can too by going to Soldier's Angels.
Just send a couple of letters and a care package per month.
How hard can it be?
The Natalee Holloway disappearance in Aruba has dominated the news.
It is a horrendously sad story, but I've noticed something interesting.
I've heard a variety of news reporters use a number of different pronunciations of the names of the suspects.
Joran Van der Sloot:
Joran has been pronounced Your-On, Urine, Your-Ann
Van der Sloot has been pronounced Van der Sloot, Van der Slote, Van der Slot
The Kalpoe brothers:
Is it Kahl or Kal? Poo or poe?
You'd think the news people would get these names right, but then again, they never came to a consensus on Usama or Osama; Bin Lahden or Bin Layden; Terri She-ah-vo or Shy-vo; Jahk Sure-rahk or Jack Sure-ack; Al Ky-duh or Al Ky-ay-duh; Ear-rahk or Ear-rack or Eye-rahk or Eye-rack...
How hard can it be?

And the Winner Is...

Thanks to all who participated in the Weekend Gross Festival.
An impartial, distinguished panel of judges (me, myself & I) has read all the gross entries.
It was very difficult to pick a winner, but one must be chosen to wear the highly coveted crown.
We had stories ranging from expressing a cat's anal gland to headless deer running into ditches.
What a fascinating weekend of reading!
These stories were meant to make us gag, but alas, Mushroom's story had me giggling like an idiot.
Also, I must apologize to Scott for causing him to throw up as he was finishing up the dishes and suddenly recalled my story. (Pansy? My thoughts exactly.)
Finally, the moment we've been waiting for.
It is my great pleasure to announce the WGF winner:
King Jerry! Lord of the Castrated Hogs. I crown Thee!
You are officially the grossest blogger we know.
Lift up glasses of Frothy Decomposed Rabbit Water.
Three cheers for King Jerry! Hip-hip...
Oh, for crying out loud! There goes Scott running to the toilet again.

Weekend Gross Festival (WGF)

This will be my post for the weekend.
I'm about to share with you one of the grossest things that's ever happened to me.
I hope you will tell about something gross that's happened to you.
On Sunday night, I will crown a WGF King or Queen.
I am not responsible for your reaction to the following:
When we lived on our ranch, we had well water.
The water was tested and found to be okay for drinking, but because it didn't taste good, we always bought drinking water.
Once, we ran out of drinking water, so I filled my glass to the brim with water from the faucet.
As I was drinking, I smelled something bad.
I checked my breath by blowing in my palm. No.
I thought it must be a dead mouse under the house.
I went to take a shower, and as I stepped in, there was that smell again.
I left for the day, but not before chugging down another glass of water.
While brushing my teeth that night, I really smelled the smell again, so much that I told Hubby that there must be a dead rodent under the house.
He promised to check it out the next day.
The next morning, I turned on the shower.
PeeeEEEW! "It's the water!"
Our well water was pumped into a holding tank in a shed.
Hubby went to check it out.
The lid over the tank was askew.
He found a decomposing rabbit in the water tank.
Water that we all BRUSHED OUR TEETH & SHOWERED with and that I DRANK!
Grody to the max! It's your turn...

Jamie Dawn Land

In Jamie Dawn Land, all car accidents and speeding tickets are eliminated, and you safely get to any destination even if you don't know how to get there.
(I know you need a moment to catch your breath.
Take your time.)
Tracks are installed on all roads.
All cars are computer operated and run on the tracks.
Just type in the address of where you need to go.
The computer operated trans-system takes you there.
In Jamie Dawn Land, you can understand EVERY person on an intercom or a tele-operator because before you start talking, you have options like these: Press One for Spanglish, Two for Hick, Three for Someone Who Talks like Regis, Four for Southern Genteel, Five for Fargo, Six for Ebonics, Seven for Valley Girl, Eight for Ignorant, Nine for Blondes, Ten for Foreign Language Options.
You see how easy it is in Jamie Dawn Land?
There are no drug or alcohol problems in Jamie Dawn Land.
All drugs are legal, but only in designated areas.
You travel to that part of your city and stay as long as you want.
Buy all the drugs and booze you want and party until you have no party left in you.
Then, after you're sober, you go back to the dry part of town and resume your unaltered, pristine life.
I come up with these ideas so easily, it's scary.

Hodge Podge

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to skydive, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

My blog friend Christina told me about this nifty setting that helps eliminate electronic spam.
Many of you already use this tool at your blogs.
Here's the problem:
There are about eight letters to type, and sometimes they are so convoluted, that I can't tell an "f" from a "t" or an "i" from an "l."
Often times, I must re-enter another verification word in order to post my comment.
With great determination, I trudge through it because my comments are of great importance to my colleagues.
Thanks for trudging through the gauntlet of my word verification.
Your comments are highly valued and appreciated!
Now let's all thumb our noses at the spammers!

At Wal-Mart yesterday, my son and I saw a woman with only one leg.
Later, we saw a man with only one leg.
Later, we saw another man with only one leg.
I said, "Boy, the people around here are losing legs, left and right!"

A FUN Game for Bloggers

I got this game from Jen of Broken Road.
I will post a statement that begins with "The person below me..."
The first commenter will answer True or False to my statement, THEN post a new statement beginning with "The person below me.."
The next commenter will answer True or False to that statement, then post another statement, and so on...
For example, I could post: The person below me likes spinach.
First commenter: True, I do. The person below me has a cat.
Next commenter: False, no pets here. The person below me...

Okay, let's play!
The person below me watches Seinfeld reruns.

You Pay What We Pay

I've heard this statement so much I'm SICK of it!
One car company started this, and then the rest jumped onto it like flies on dog doodoo.
This just shows you how EASY it is for big companies to lower prices.
Did you notice how quickly ALL the car companies did this?
It's like when there's a jewelry sale.
"All Jewelry 50% off!"
We run to buy some like it's a great bargain.
Sure it's better than paying their usual jacked-up prices, but they are STILL making a profit selling to us at half off.
The 50% off thing is meant to trick us into thinking that we're robbing them blind. Pretty soon they'll be forced to have a storewide clearance sale just to stave off bankruptcy.
Those car companies are extending this "Pay What We Pay" deal (in which they're still making considerable profit) until a specified date, when they will go back to really screwing us, as usual.
I even saw a company that sells boats with this same saying on their marquee.
Hello! It's time for them all to say, "You Pay What We Pay From Now On."
You think that'll happen?

Very Tall Tales

I have an uncle who is a master embellisher.
He will stretch a story beyond recognition, then tell it so much that he believes it.
1. He claims he was coming down the Old Grapevine (near L.A.) years ago.
It was very steep and he lost control of his motorcycle.
The bike turned on its side.
He says he stood upright on the side of it and rode it down the hill like a skateboard.
2. He claims he had just gotten four new tires in Berkeley.
He was bombing down the Altamont at about 90 mph when all four tires blew simultaneously.
He says he continued driving all the way back to Berkeley (about 30 miles) with all four tires out, and drove in to Firestone and demanded new tires and his money back.
3. He claims that there was a horrible wreck.
He stopped and an officer told him a woman was decapitated, but they were unable to find her head.
He says he went walking along the side of the highway, found the head, picked it up by the hair,
and said, "Is this what you're looking for?"
My uncle tells these stories as fact.
He's as full of crap as a Christmas goose, but he certainly is entertaining.
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Visit Courtney's Blog for an update on Lamb Chop.

I Need to Unload

Due to indulging in the sin of gluttony, I am now carrying some extra, unwanted mass.
I am currently attempting to shed my prodigious bod of this hitonious girth.
I'm hoping to avoid ending up with THESE hips.
Unfortunately, I'm well on my way if I don't shut my mouth!
Note to Jumbo Jamie: This is WAR!
I won't speak of this again until I have succeeded.
A bit of advice... Don't hold your breath.
I need to lose 20 lbs., but I plan to lose 25.
Why?
Because I start my Thanksgiving feast on Halloween, and I don't stop until I ring in the New Year.
I need a little wiggle (jiggle) room.

Citizen's Arrest

Have you ever made a citizen's arrest, or known anyone that did?
I should have made one last weekend while we were flea market shopping.
I saw a woman at one of the booths putting handfuls of jewelry in her purse.
As she walked out, I told the owners what I'd seen.
They went after her, but she had gotten away by car.
I felt terrible for not saying something sooner.
My son chastised me saying that I should have cried out, "THIEF!," then wrestled her to the ground shouting, "Citizen's Arrest!"
My dad said I should have handed her a couple pieces of jewelry and said, "Could you put these in there for me?"
I failed by not acting quickly enough.
But, when it comes to life or death, you can count on me to act quickly.
One time, Courtney started choking.
I flew at lightning speed to perform the Heimlich.
After nearly bruising her ribs, I heard her yelling out, "Stop!"
I was on a mission and didn't hear her shouts until after I'd done the maneuver several times.
It turns out, she was choking on a piece of ice that had melted by the time I reached her.
Have no fear! Jamie Dawn is here!
(Unless of course you're being robbed.)

Tooth Fairy Dilemma

I got my first tooth when I was 14 months old.
Yes, that's very late.
I lost my last tooth a week before my senior pictures were taken.
I had to make sure I didn't smile too widely.
I passed this late-tooth-thing on to both my kids.
It's a strange thing to be playing Tooth Fairy when your kids are teenagers.
And believe me, at that age, a dollar doesn't cut it.

Jetting Here & There

We spent last weekend with my dad's aunt Mabel.
She is 91 and doesn't take ANY medicine except vitamins.
She lives alone, does her own shopping, and takes care of herself completely.
I hope I've inherited those hearty genes.
Here's My Brother and Me at my dad's lake property that he inherited in some very hick town.
We did some driving and visited other hick towns and flea markets.
Here's Me, Courtney, Taylor and My Brother sweating to death.

At Courtney's Blog you'll find some more pics.

*The answer to this question from comments from my previous post:
What is a big bohunkus?
It is a big BUTT.

Pass It On

My mom's dad (Grandpa Ollie) said this:
1. That's my block of gum.
2. Give me some of them cheese.
3. I need a fan; there's not enough oxygen in this air.
4. I had to clum over that fence.
If you said, "I love you" to him, he'd quickly say, "Same thing."

My mom says this:
1. Plum tuckered
2. Big bohunkus
3. Give me a swig of that.
4. Snot rag
5. Snatch you bald headed

I say:
1. I've got a hankering for chocolate.
2. Naked as a picked bird

This quote is from Courtney's blog:
"The guy who cooked our first meal in Japan. He didn't speak a lick of English."

Shop 'til You Drop...Literally

Several years ago, Mom and I were taking the kids to Disneyland.
Three days before we were to leave, I got the stomach flu.
I didn't eat anything except a couple of popsicles from Tuesday to Thursday, and we were leaving on Friday.
Before I got sick, my mom and I had talked about getting new sundresses to wear, and I had said I'd pick them up.
It was Thursday afternoon, and I was feeling better, so I headed to the store.
As I was looking at summer dresses, I started to feel light-headed.
I had several items hanging on my arm when down I went, crumpling to the floor like a condemned building.
A store clerk called 911. I was so embarrassed!
Shop 'til you drop! That's my motto.
I don't just say it, I live it.
*I'm an Expert Bargain Shopper.
Just this past Thursday, I bought two new summer dresses.
One cost $8 and the other cost $10.
I'm still on a high from those bargains!

Water Shortage

Early in our marriage, my hubby used to be able to trick me all the time.
He'd make me believe things, and I wouldn't know that he was joking.
Now, I've learned his ways, and I don't fall for the tricks as often.
There was one GLORIOUS time when I really got him.
We were staying at a hotel in San Diego while attending a conference.
There were water conservation placards on display throughout the hotel room urging guests to not have their sheets changed and to hang up & re-use towels.
Using my best poker face, I told Keith that the hotel guide said that after three minutes, the hot water in the shower would go cold in order to promote shorter showers and conserve water.
He kept taking really quick showers and complaining that there was barely enough time to wash and rinse.
It was hilarious!
He'd go to the early morning session and after he left, I'd take a long shower.
I kept the trick going for three days, and then told him the truth.
He was able to get in one regular shower before we left.
He couldn't believe I was able to fool him for three days.

Song My Grandpa Taught Me

She churned her butter in her dad's old boot
Nickertee-Nackertee-Now-Now-Now
And for a dasher she used her foot

Hey John Dallup Tee Willup Tee Wallup
Tee Ruptick Go Swallup
Tee Nickertee-Nackertee-Now-Now-Now

She rode to town on an old, grey mule
Nickertee-Nackertee-Now-Now-Now
The folks all said she looked like a fool

Hey John Dallup Tee Willup Tee Wallup
Tee Ruptick Go Swallup
Tee Nickertee-Nackertee-Now-Now-Now

**Do you know any rare/silly songs?

Me, Brag? Don't Mind If I Do!

My daughter, Courtney, finished High School a YEAR early.
She graduated with straight A's.
Right away, she was offered a computer graphics job, and has been working full time.
She also got her driver's license this summer.
This new job will add a lot to her already impressive resume.
She may keep working while going to college.
Who knows? But, I know this: I'm a very proud mom!
It seems like just yesterday she was taking dance.
When she first started, she was so hilarious to watch at recitals because she would be all over the place, doing the wrong moves at the wrong time and losing her balance.
During one recital, the little girls were doing The Twist, and Courtney's little skirt just twisted right off.
What was funny is that she just reached down, put it back in place and kept on dancing.
She will do well in whatever she chooses to pursue.
If your life feels kind of like your skirt just got twisted off, then do what she did.
Pick up from where you are now and keep on going!

Uniquely Me

1. I once lost a spelling bee, misspelling "martian."
I spelled it "marshon."

2. One of my all-time favorite movies is "Parenthood."
It stars Steve Martin and some other well-known actors.
It's about the roller coaster of family life. Superb film!

3. I was maimed by each of my family members:
a. When I was a toddler, my dad left his pipe cutters out, and I nearly cut off my thumb.
b. My brother threw a glass bottle out of a window and nearly cut off my toe.
c. My mom closed the van door and the corner of it sliced across the top of my knee.
All the above incidences required stitches.

4. At three years old, I sang my first solo in church.
I sang a song called "Wasted Years."

5. I led a kickboxing class and worked out six days a week up until five years ago.
At that time, I most likely could've kicked your butt!
Now, your butt is safe.

Ditzville

I had a friend in school that had some ditzy moments.
She received a birthday card that had a cowboy on a horse on the front.
At the top, it said, "Whoa!" in big letters.
She read it aloud, "Who-uh! What does who-uh mean?"

Later, in Geography class...
Teacher: Can anyone tell me the name of this country and this river?
My Friend: That's Nigger-ia and the Nigger River.
She was oblivious to what she had said.
NO she was not trying to make a racist joke.
She had no idea she was mispronouncing Nigeria and the Niger River.
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Just recently, my dearest friend, Tami, said, "My niece, Lacy, is the cutest thing since sliced bread."
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I must have ditzy friends because I'm quite a ditz myself.
I was telling my family about someone who happened to be gay.
I said, "He really is gay. He's as gay as the driven snow."