Explain This to Me!

1. I drove past a bus bench with an advertisement on it for a realtor. It said, "Call Soozanna today." Soozanna?!?! Explain this to me!
2. After my son takes a shower, he uses FOUR towels to dry off. What is that all about? One for each limb? Explain this to me!
3. I was using my debit card to pay for some items at Walmart, and when it said, Cash Back?, I punched in Yes, $40. The cashier handed me the receipt, but forgot the cash. When I pointed out that I asked for cash back, she said in a very annoyed tone, "Why didn't you tell me before I closed the drawer?" She made a mistake, and it was somehow my fault? Explain this to me!
4. Competitive Eating is considered a sport. Explain this to me!

**There is an International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) as well as an Association of Independent Competitive Eaters (AICE). Click here for fascinating details about the "eaters" of the IFOCE and their records. You may want to take a Tums before you visit.
**I would not win any of these eating competitions, but I think I could manage an Honorable Mention ribbon in the pizza category.

The Family Chalkboard

We have a small chalkboard on our kitchen wall. We take turns leaving messages and drawing funny pictures. The original message always morphs over time, until after several days, someone decides to erase the whole thing and start anew.
Several weeks ago, my inlaws came for a visit. Taylor, my son, drew a likeness of Hitler on the board along with the words: We Love Hitler. He was SO hoping that I would not catch this before Nana & Papa arrived. He wanted some shock and awe. Is my kid nuts? He experienced some shock and awe; I assure you. We erased it before they arrived.
Courtney, our artist, draws lovely pictures that we enhance by adding our own touches and improvements.
We leave quotes from movies too. The other day, Tay wrote this one from Dodgeball: "That's me taking the bull by the horns. It's a metaphor, but that really happened."
We have fun with it. This morning, I erased a happy face drawing and wrote: Mommy Rules!
Usually, we give a new message or drawing a day's grace before editing it. But, NOoooooo. Within a few hours, it was changed to: Mommy Reeks!
I get no respect from these people!

The Grizzly Details

Due to westward expansion, the Grizzly bear population plummeted. In 1975, they were added to the U.S. Endangered Species list. Now, their numbers have tripled, but they are not out of the woods yet. (tee-hee)
Do you know where the term Teddy Bear came from? Well, I do, and I'm in the mood to enlighten.
President Theodore Roosevelt had an unsuccessful bear hunt. Some of his hunting party located a wounded bear and tied it to a tree so the prez could shoot it and take home a trophy. Teddy refused to kill the wounded animal for sport and had it euthanised (which means it was killed anyway). News of this got out.
A New York toy manufacturer asked for and received permission to market the Teddy Bear. Ain't that just grand?
Here are some bear facts to stuff in your head:
The largest Grizzly population is found in Alaska.
Baby Grizzlies weigh about one pound at birth.
Females leave scent trails that males follow in order to find them & mate. After mating, the males have no further association with the females, and the males do not take part at all with the care of cubs. (Hmmmmm. Is there a way to take just the male Grizzlies off of the endangered list?)

Hope you have a beary good day; if not, grin and bear it.

Don't Hate Me. I'm Just the Messenger.

Just thought I'd turn the screw of holiday overeating guilt. I'm on pie overload, and I have gravy flowing through my veins.

My daughter's Thanksgiving post is so funny. Prepare yourself for a hearty chuckle.

Thank God!

When my son was a second grader, my dad fainted at work and fell head first off the second story of a building.
Taylor knew that Grandad had terrible head and shoulder injuries, and that Grandad would have died had he not landed in a pile of debris that cushioned his fall.
My dad had to have surgery, and all we could do was hope he would fully recover.
This all happened just before Thanksgiving.
Taylor's teacher asked if the kids had anything they were thankful for. Taylor's hand shot up.
"I'm thankful for debris!"
My dad did recover. He lost some shoulder rotation, and whenever he forgets something, we say he has brain damage.
My dad means the world to me.
I am thankful for debris too!

Jamie Dawn's Thanksgiving Blessing:
May you be surrounded with the love of friends & family. May you wear an elastic waistband, and may your tummy be filled to capacity. Should you fall, may you land in a debris pile. Amen.

**I had a couple of requests yesterday that I share the worst sermon faux pas, even though I said I would never do so. I must warn that if you can't hack something a bit naughty, then please don't read on. Now, I've really got your attention!
A woman named Kay Dick was being welcomed into church membership. She was called forward and introduced to the congregation. The pastor closed the service in prayer, and then he meant to say, "Now, everyone come forward and shake Kay Dick's hand." Instead he said, "...come forward and shake Kay Hand's dick." This really happened!

Holy Faux Pas

I grew up in church, and I have heard many blunders from the pulpit. I posted these back in May, but I consider this list a true gem from my archives. These blunders were actually heard with my own ears during the course of sermons:

"And Abraham sat on his ass."
"Indians refer to heaven as The Happy Humping Ground."
"The octopus had great, long testicles."
"You don't want to make sin a hobbit."
"Go to hell, in the name of Jesus."

And the second funniest sermon blunder I've ever witnessed:
"They travelled from place to place pinching their tits...Uh, I mean pitching their tents."
As for the funniest I've ever heard, there's no way I would ever put it in print. After all, I'm a lady.
I went to charm school!

I'm a Charm School Drop Out

As a girl, I was a tomboy. By fifth grade, my parents found it distressing that I did not have any recognizable ladylike tendencies emerging. Elbows on the table, messy eating, and paying no mind to legs being spread open whilst wearing a dress were causes for great concern. I, on the other hand, was happy as a clam with my status as Champion Arm Wrestler and fierce kick ball competitor. Who had time for manners?
Out of the clear blue, my mom lambasted me with the shocking news that she had enrolled me in Montgomery Ward's "Wendy Ward Charm School."
I was not at all pleased, but being an obedient child, I attended my first lesson along with several other poor souls. We practiced getting in and out of a car. A lady's legs are to remain clinched tightly at the knees at all times whilst entering and exiting a vehicle. To enter, you slide your dainty butt onto the seat, then quickly swivel your legs around, lifting your feet into place on the floor in front of you. Keep your knees welded together during this process! To exit the car, follow the steps in reverse order: Swivel tightly-pressed-together legs around, slide bohunkus towards the edge of the seat, step out of the car like a regal woman.
I must have gotten in and out of that stupid car fifty times. It was impossible to keep my legs from swinging open when I swiveled, and I was not passing muster in the "regal" department. Then I got a brilliant idea! I asked the teacher, "If I'm wearing pants, do I still have to keep my legs clinched together?" Her response, "Of course you do."
Crud! I was counting on just wearing pants the rest of my life and not having to deal with this nonsense.
Well, when my mother picked me up, I complained so much that she agreed to let me quit the class. Whew! I think she realized I wasn't ready for it.
Now, I wear dresses more than I wear pants. During warm weather, dresses and skirts are about all I wear. And I DO know how to enter and exit a car like a lady!
**I'll challenge you to an arm wrestle though!

A Very Crude Tongue Twister

Do not attempt when tipsy:
I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
Because the pheasant plucker's late.

Famous Quote: "Smoking can kill you, and if you've been killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields

How 'bout this cute one:
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

An Even Famouser Quote: "Sometimes you can observe a lot just by watching."
-Yogi Berra

Read, then re-read: Fat people eat accumulates.
Tricky, tricky: The cotton clothing is usually made of grows in Mississippi.

"Have a non-hitonious weekend!"
-Jamie Dawn

The Coldest Town in the World

There has been a lot of talk lately about the big temperature changes. The temperatures went from seasonally warm to seasonally cold within hours. These were extreme changes of thirty to forty degrees in some places.
Well, the townspeople of Verkhoyansk (NE Siberian Russia) chuckle heartily when we marvel at our huge temperature swings.
The coldest recorded temperature in Verkhoyansk is -90*F. Their average winters are consistently warmer than that, at a pleasant -60 *F, with fall being considerably warmer at a toasty -10*F. Spring hovers around 0*F and then the mercury rises.
Here comes summer! In 1998, the high in Verkhoyansk was 104*F. So, if you live there, you have the possibility of a 194 degree temperature change.
This town is near the Yana river. The people make their living in fur trading and raising reindeer. It sounds quaint until you step outside, and your breath freezes and icicles hang from your nostrils, then you die from sunstroke just a few months later.
My son just did a report on this town which is why I'm so in the know. Taylor and I concluded that, regardless of what season you live there, it is always hell in Verkoyansk.

The Holiday Food Igloo

It's only a week until Thanksgiving, and I'm beginning to believe my metabolism problem may be due to the fact that I've chucked the USDA Food Pyramid and replaced it with this:


You'd think that by enduring thirty grueling minutes a day on my elliptical trainer, I would have thighs of steel and buttocks of iron. But, I suppose my spongy thighs and ample backside may be due, in part, to my love of good food. Oh, if only every day were a holiday. Chocolate covered cherries don't have that many calories, do they?

Holiday eating tips:
1. If it's not swimming in butter, give it to the dog.
2. Vegetable:Starch ratio should be 1:6.
3. Mashed potatoes & sweet potatoes should be served at the same meal.
4. Steamed veggies are of the Devil, unless liberally smothered with cheese sauce.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

I don't know about you, but I'm already having a major hankering for pumpkin pie. Thank God for taste buds!

The Jock & the Sneeze

I went to school with a guy named Jerry from elementary until we graduated in 1981.
Jerry was not a cool kid, and most classmates would have labeled him a nerd.
Jerry lived a few blocks from me, and we were always friends. I must distance myself from him when it comes to two events that happened in Junior High. During these two unfortunate happenings, I would most likely have denied I even knew him.
Event #1: The Jock Strap
A few times a year, the school had "Lost & Found" items on display on tables in the gym. Students would stroll by and claim whatever stuff belonged to them. Whatever remained was given to charity. There were clothes, notebooks, etc., and one time, amongst the items, there was a jock strap. On the band of the jock strap in bold, black letters was my friend, Jerry's, last name. He denied it belonged to him, but we all knew the truth. I still think the P.E. teacher put this on display out of pure cruelty, because Jerry was the only kid in the whole school with that last name. Jerry never lived that one down.
Event #2: The Sneeze
During class once, Jerry sneezed. It was not a normal sneeze. It was one of those juicy, turn-your-stomach kind of sneezes. Everyone looked at Jerry. A string of snot was hanging from his nose to his desk. Jerry's next action caused a chorus of gagging when he snorted the entire string of snot back up into his nose and SWALLOWED. (I just felt a little bit of vomit come into the back of my throat as I wrote this. The memory of it is THAT bad.)

Hair Salon Humor

I've started going to a new salon. It is owned by a gay man. The stylist that does my hair is gay, and he owns a dress shop next store to the salon. When he leaves the dress shop to come over and do hair, he hangs a note on the door of his shop that says, "Her Majesty is Next Door." Getting my hair done there is always an experience. The conversations that take place between these two guys are hilarious. Here are a few examples of what I've heard:

"I never go to Walmart because I can't stand all the ugly people."
"Oh, I know. The women wear less makeup than we do!"

"We never have any kids come to our house for Halloween."
"There wouldn't be any candy to give them if they did."
"We'd have to send them off with a bourbon and coke."

"Don't talk to him; he is so snippy today."
"I am NOT snippy!"
"Does that sound snippy to you?"

I've been there three times, and it has never been dull.

I'm Perplexed

There are people who claim to go to the gym on their lunch hour. Then they supposedly return to work and finish their workday. When I work out on my handy-dandy elliptical trainer, I start sweating after three minutes, and by twenty minutes, I am drenched. Even my hair is wet. If I were to return to work like that, my boss would send me home fearing that I had the Bird Flu or Malaria or something. So, either these people don't exercise hard enough to break a sweat, or they work out, shower, blow dry their hair, redo makeup, grab a quick bite to eat, and are back at their desk all within one hour. Since I'm a stay-at-home-homeschooling mother, I'd like to know what really happens when people say they go to the gym on their lunch hour.
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My metabolism has obviously changed since I was in high school. This is not fair! I used to go to volleyball or softball practice after school, then walk five blocks to Taco Bell and eat four tacos and a burrito supreme, then walk two blocks to Mom's work and wait for her to drive us home....where she'd fix dinner, and I'd eat again.
Now, I have to think twice about using butter on my toast. This is not funny!
(I'm not joking about the four tacos and a burrito supreme. I ate that five afternoons a week.)

Today is Our 22nd Anniversary

This is my hubby's favorite joke. I hope it makes you chuckle.
An elderly couple was getting ready for bed one night. The wife turned to her husband and said, "I'm just so hungry for ice cream, and there isn't any in the house."
"I'll go get you some," her husband offered.
"You're a dear," she said. "I want vanilla with chocolate sauce. Write this down, or you'll forget."
"I won't forget," he said.
"With whipped cream and nuts," she continued. "Please write it down, or you'll forget."
"Vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce, whipped cream and nuts," he repeated.
"And a cherry too," she said. "You will never remember all this. You always forget. Please write it down."
"I won't forget," he insisted. "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, nuts and a cherry on top."
The husband went off and returned after a long while with a paper bag. He handed the bag to his wife in bed. She opened up the bag and pulled out a ham sandwich.
"I TOLD you to write it down," she snapped. "You forgot the mustard!"
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I love my hubby. I love that on our wedding day, we sang a song that we wrote. I love how he taught me to put those little foil-wrapped butter packets under my leg to soften the butter for easier spreading. I love that he sang "Hey, Good Lookin'" to both our babies when they were in my tummy, just so they would recognize his voice. I love that he gives the best back massages in the world. I love his sense of humor. I love that we have had many great times together, and that we have managed to get through the hard times together. I love my hubby.

In Remembrance

When I was little, my parents taught me that smoking cigarettes was bad. My grandpa smoked at the time, and one day, at age three, I said to him, "Crampa! (That's how I said it back then, so I'm told.) Cigar-rats are bad, and you're going down!" (I'm told I pointed down to the floor as if saying he was going down to hell.) Gramillo thought that was the funniest thing ever, and she told me that story again and again. I was little, so I don't remember saying it, but the funny thing is, my grandpa quit smoking shortly thereafter.
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After Gramillo passed away, we'd often go by Grandpa's house in Hayward, CA.
To be sure that he wouldn't miss our visits, he started leaving notes on the front door.
My fastidious and frugal grandpa pre-made notes, attached a piece of tape to each, and placed them on the refrigerator for easy access.
The notes read: Gone to KFC, Gone to Safeway, Gone to Shell.
There were about five or so of these notes. He was so particular about things and so funny.
Shortly after Gramillo died, he began to go downhill physically, suffering from cancer, heart problems, and grief.
Grandpa spent some time in the Veteran's Hospital. A roommate of his had a catheter for a LONG time, and Grandpa told us about when the doc removed it. Grandpa said, "That fella yelled something fierce, and for good reason. I saw that catheter they took out. It looked like a string of fish." He cracked me up!
We eventually moved him out to the ranch to live in my parents' house just up the hill from ours.
It was early November, and mom had cooked a "practice" turkey. She went into Grandpa's room to see if he wanted some.
He was very ill at the time and had not been eating much. He said, "I'll take a little bit of dark meat. Cut it against the grain."
What a gem he was. He ate a little, and took a two minute walk outside. He asked me if I'd trim his hair, which I did.
I purposely cut it short, so he wouldn't need it cut again for awhile. He commented on how short it was, but said it was okay, because it would grow out soon enough. He died a few days later.
I still get misty-eyed when I think that he was buried with his hair cut shorter than he liked.
Grandpa died on November 12, 1992, and I never forget that date because it is a special day for another reason. I'll post about that tomorrow.
I miss you, Crampa.

Express Your Thanks

Regardless of your position on the war, I hope you'll take a moment to consider this post.
It is easy to send cards of thanks to our soldiers.
I bought packages of silly Halloween cards and sent them out with notes of encouragement.
I just mailed Thanksgiving cards, and I will do the same for Christmas.
It only takes a few minutes and a regular stamp on each card to send words of appreciation to soldiers serving so far away from home.
Here's how easy it is: Go to Any Soldier and click on "Where to Send" to find a list of soldiers' names and addresses. It's that simple!
It takes 7 - 10 days for letters to reach the soldiers. You have time to bring cheer to some men and women who will be spending the holidays away from their loved ones.
I encourage you to do this. I know it will mean a great deal to those who receive it.
For those who wish to adopt a soldier until he or she comes home, visit Soldiers' Angels , fill out the form, and in the message section tell them you want to adopt a soldier.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I must have OCD. 1 in 50 adults has it. It is like having a case of mental hiccups. Excessive obsessions lead to excessive compulsions like repeated washing, checking, counting, touching, hoarding, arranging, etc.
I suffer from two obsessive compulsions:
1. Checking
My obsession: Wondering if my comments were posted successfully, even when it says "Comment Posted Successfully."
My Compulsion: I have to scroll down and check to see that my comments were indeed successfully posted.
2. Arranging
My obsession: The dishwasher must be properly loaded.
My Compulsion: The forks must be in one section, spoons in another, and knives in another. Also, some forks/spoons must point downward and others must point upward, so that the heads of the forks and spoons get better exposure and thus, better cleansing. The cereal bowls are in one section and arranged in such a way as to make the most efficient use of space. Glasses must line up next to each other in a straight-up fashion and not be placed willy nilly, leaning this way and that. Pots and pans must be arranged with space efficiency in mind. When completed, it looks like a well-balanced work of art. Cascade is the only dishwashing detergent that will do. It must be the gel or those neat little squishy packets, but not the powder.
I don't make my family members load it my special way. That would be silly. I just rearrange it afterwards.

Do YOU have any OCD symptoms?

It All Makes Sense Now

Follow that Star has been going on and on about how he wants to move to Colorado ASAP. Now I know why.
Orvis Hot Springs Resort in Ridgway, Colorado is a "clothing optional" facility.
According to their website, this is what that means: "Clothing optional means a person can enjoy Orvis with or without clothing. We currently require people to wear a towel, robe, or modest covering in the hallways of the main building."
Here are the rules regarding guest behavior: "All guests are welcome at Orvis until their behavior interferes with another’s visit. If a person is blatantly being rude, they will be asked to leave immediately, without refund. If two people complain about someone being aggressive in ways such as staring, drooling, being invasive, etc., that person will be asked to leave permanently."
When FTS was talking about being anxious for the scenery, I thought he was talking about the Rockies. He is a proud Texan and a wonderful writer. You will be so impressed by his ability to eat very spicy-hot foods.
FTS and Jamie Dawn were judges in a Texas Chili Contest. Here are their notes:
Chili #1
FTS: Bold tase with a hint of sweetness, good use of peppers
JD: Holy Smokes! What the heck is that stuff? I could use that to remove paint from my driveway!
Chili #2
FTS: Good little kick to it, could use more beans and jalapenos
JD: Keep out of reach of children! I feel nothing but pain! My nose feels like I just snorted Drano!
Chili #3
FTS: That's a sound, sturdy chili. I farted and four people behind me suffered third degree burns. JD isn't used to this. She ran out crying, "I can't even feel my lips anymore!" What a lightweight.

Cussing at the Grand Auto

I never once heard my grandpa cuss. Now, my Gramillo did slip up on two occasions and soil my virgin ears with obscenities.
Once, while at a gas station, the attendant said she was low on oil. It was a Full Service station, and the guy pumped the gas, washed the windshield, and checked the oil. She told him to go ahead and put in some oil, which he did. She noticed that he put the oil in very quickly, so she asked to see the oil can. When she saw it, she noticed it was still full of oil. The guy had tricked her into paying for a full can of oil and hadn't used any of it. Gramillo yelled at him and called him a son of a bitch. I sat there like a stone. I thought for sure she would be going straight to hell any minute.
The second time I heard her cuss was over an incident with her Lincoln. Gramillo valued her Lincoln above most everything.
My brother and I were in the car, and she stopped in traffic on railroad tracks. Workers were fiddling with the railroad crossing box, and the crossing barrier came down on the roof of her Lincoln.
"Damn!" my church-going Gramillo shouted, shocking me speechless.
"Say it again! Say it again!" shouted my little heathen brother.
Well, as I said at the beginning, I never heard Grandpa cuss. You can imagine the shock when my brother told me what Grandpa did when he and Dad accompanied him to the Grand Auto store.
Supposedly, Grandpa felt he was being ripped off, so he belted out a string of curse words. He yelled and carried on like a madman, and my brother and dad could barely hold back their laughter. Come to find out, my brother had heard Grandpa cuss many times over the years. It seems that Grandpa just didn't want me to ever hear him use foul launguage.
Isn't that the sweetest thing?
I must admit that I would love to have been a fly on the wall of the Grand Auto that day. I've seen Grandpa get really angry, but, whenever I was around, he always managed to hold back the flood of curse words that I know must have been ready to explode out of him.
Grandpa, you are a dear, and I miss you.

Lights, Camera, Action!

They are making a movie of my life. I had to choose who will play the roles of my family members.
Click on each family member's highlighted name to see a picture of them to compare with the picture of the actor I chose to play them. How'd I do?
This was so much fun! I hope you'll do it at your blog too.
Conan O'Brien will play my brother .

William Petersen will play my dad .

Lauren Hutton will play my mom .

Chad Faust will play my son, Taylor .

Liv Tyler will play my daughter, Courtney .

Kurt Russell will play my Hubby .

Geena Davis will play me (I'm the one on your right) .

Filming begins this spring in Prague.
The movie will be called Jamie Dawn's Mindless Family.

He Sounded Like Jimmy Stewart

I usually look for the shortest checkout line in Walmart, and I end up behind someone who needs price checks on items and whose debit card doesn't work.
But, my luck was different on Thursday.
I saw a line with only one person in it, and I dashed behind him, hoping to get out of there quickly.
It took forever and a day for him to get finished, but I didn't mind a bit.
Here's why: This old timer talked just like Jimmy Stewart. This caught my attention right away.
Then, I saw that he was blind and had his walking stick with him. The cashier gave him his total.
He reached in his pocket and pulled out his wallet which was attached to a chain that was attached to his belt loop. He had this special way of telling which bills were which as he rifled through and found the amount he needed.
There was a Walmart attendant with him who I guess had helped him shop. She helped him by carrying his three bags worth of purchases on her arm as he paid for them. How nice, I thought. I didn't know Walmart offered this service. He must have called ahead to have a Walmart employee meet him at the entrance and help him do his shopping.
He talked and talked all the while, and I loved it, even if he did take an extra long time. After all, if I closed my eyes I could imagine I was in the presence of Jimmy Stewart. It was very pleasant.
As the Walmart helper led him out, he replaced his wallet into his pocket and reached into the other pocket. He pulled out some KEYS that were on a chain attached to another belt loop.
I had assumed there would be a taxi waiting for him. Maybe there was, but why did he get out those keys?
By the time I got to the parking lot, there was no sign of him, and thankfully I didn't hear any screeching brakes in the distance.
He was obviously legally blind. He couldn't have driven himself home, could he?

Place Your Bets!

Gambling is alive and well. In August 2005, players fed more than $86 million into penny machines and $67 million in nickel machines. That's a LOT of loose change!

There's the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, "I bet you won't marry me."
She not only called his bet, but she raised him five!


Q: How do you get a sweet 80 year old lady to cuss like a sailor?

A: Get another sweet 80 year old lady to yell BINGO!


Little Johnny was the quietest boy in school.
If anyone said anything to him, he would simply nod or shake his head.
The staff thought he was too shy and decided to do something to give him more confidence.
"Johnny," said his teacher. "I bet Miss Smith five dollars that I can get you to say three words. You can have half."
Johnny looked at her with pity and said, "You lose."

Gems from the Archives

Paul suggested that his blog friends go back into their archives and post some of their favorites.
I decided to do just that. I will toss out a retro-post now and then. Oh, the memories....

Got Lemons? (post from April 2005)
If life gives you lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade, right?
Well, I swear, I've been trying to do that, but my lemonade was really sour, so I went to the pantry for some much needed sugar, but the sugar was being guarded by two pit bulls, and to my great dismay, the shirt I was wearing was made of bacon.

(Nov. 2 Update) As you can tell, I hadn't had the best day. Since then, I've gotten rid of that bacon blouse, and now things are really looking up. Life is still handing me some lemons, but my lemonade stand is in full production.

Death Superstitions with a Twist

1. A bird in the house is a sign of death. Give the bird, and the curse will go away.
2. You must hold your breath when passing a cemetery, or you might breathe in the spirit of the dead. Should you breathe in a spirit, claim that you did not inhale, and you may become President someday.
3. If a woman is buried in black, she will return to haunt the family. If she is buried in a moo-moo, she will return to slap the family.

Real Epitaphs:
1. Ezra Pease is not here, only his pod - He shelled out his peas and went to God
2. Here lies a man named Zeke - Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek
3. He got a fish bone in his throat - then he sang an angel note
4. Bill Blake - was hanged by mistake

Spinster-Postmistress's epitaph: Returned, Unopened

Auctioneer's epitaph: Going, going, gone!

Rest in peace, cyberpals.