Yep! This is Arkansas! Part One

I pass this sign every day. Bait is a staple here, just like duct tape and chewing tobacco. A local restaurant advertises a delicacy called Man Skins. You get two of them deep fried and a side of hush puppies. They offer cannibalistic meals of scrambled human meat. Those dinners are served stir fried with onions and bell peppers to bring out the natural flavors. Umm, Umm, Good! I'm joking, of course.
They don't serve people scrambled. What a kidder I am!
They serve Human Jerky instead.
I truly am becoming hick-i-fied. Come mid-July, we will have lived here for one full year.
I will tell you why I know my hick transformation has begun.
The other day, my Hubby had a cut on his toe.
I said, "Your toe looks sore."
Only, I DIDN'T say "sore."
The word I said had TWO syllables in it!!
I nearly fainted as I heard "sore" pronounced as "so-wer" come from my mouth.
I might as well buy some Skoal, Bud, spandex shorts and Jovan Musk Cologne and get it over with.

Just Some Thoughts

1. Now that Tay and I have completed Geometry I have just one thought:
Pythagorean can take his theorem plus a very jagged, many-sided polygon and SHOVE IT!

2. I've noticed the summer clothing choices of some ladies lately, and I have a thought:
Pouring oneself into spandex shorts then traipsing about in public should be a criminal offense. A loosely flowing summer dress is just as comfy and is significantly more visually pleasing.
(Note: I certainly don't pour my wide backside into spandex and assault the eyes of others. I'd like the same courtesy extended to me.)

3. I have a thought about celebrity news of late:
What's with all the babies? Have celebrities just now figured out how to make them?

Neo? Child's Play!

I'm about to reveal something awesome.
Make sure you are not drinking anything, or you will choke.
Also, if you don't handle mind boggling things very well, please DO NOT play this video!!
I present my hubby, Master of the Matrix.



Filming credit goes to my daughter, Courtney.

Glory Jee to Beesus!

I've said, "Glory Jee to Beesus!" all my life.
I think we started saying that in our best TV evangelist voices many years ago when we were just kids. The phrase just stuck with me into adulthood. We grew up in church and got used to joking about funny things we heard from the pulpit. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "prostrate" and "prostate" confused.
Let angels prostate fall?? Oh, those glorious, old hymns... but I digress.
Why am I so happy that I am saying, "Glory Jee to Beesus?"
Did I just save money on my car insurance by switching to Geico?
No.
Did I sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night?
No.
Did I follow the treasure map and find that brand new Volvo that is buried somewhere in the world?
No.
Here are the reasons I'm full of frivolity and gay as the driven snow:
1. My high speed internet got fixed yesterday instead of today.
Can you say, "Praise the Lord!?"
2. My son and I finished his FINAL Geometry lesson yesterday. The last question being that he had to figure out how to find the surface area and volume of a football, not a soccer ball, which would have been much easier. We tackled it together and figured it out, kind of.
Can you say, "Hallelujah!?"
3. I decided to go back to college this fall. I know you are shocked to learn that I am one of "those" who dropped out of college to get married. You were convinced that I had Doctorates in Mindless Blathering and Chocolate Truffle-ology. Soon I will be a bonafide, certified Blathering Truffle-ologist.
Can you say, "That's Righteous!?"
4. We will be moving in August. This is good news which I will share more about in the near future.
And everybody said, "Amen!"

I Took a Bath in THIS

Benadryl Bitch Stopping Gel with Extra Strength Bitch Relief On Saturday, a lightning storm knocked out our internet service. I was a little peeved.
On Sunday, Father's Day, we did not deal with it, due to the fact that we were too busy pampering Hubby.
Calls were made on Monday, and Hubby spent a few hours trying to resolve the problem, but to no avail.
I was more than peeved by this time, so I bought the above product in five-gallon jugs and bathed in it. I feel much better now, but our high speed internet will not be fixed until Friday.
Until then, I am using excruciatingly slow dial up. It took thirty minutes to upload the photo above.
My delicate balance between sweet and bitchy is being threatened.
I will not post a new post until Friday or Saturday, but I will slowly make my rounds to visit you.
Until my internet is up and running again, I plan to take frequent soaks in the Bitch Stopping Gel in order to keep my sweetness intact.

Personal Trunk Monkey

CLICK HERE TO SEE the trunk monkey.

I'm going to name my trunk monkey, Guido.
I SO want a trunk monkey!!!!

Happy Weekend!

Nothing but the Facts

My son, Taylor, attended Super Summer last week in Marshall, Texas. He and nearly a thousand kids had a wild and crazy time together, while learning about improving their leadership skills.
Tay came back sunburned and with lots of fun stories and pictures to share.
Youth camps always have memorable "happenings" that sweep through the camp.
"Chuch Norris Facts" became a daily part of the camp's frivolity.
Here are a few:
1. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris does.
2. There is no truth to the theory of evolution, just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.
3. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
4. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he is actually pushing the Earth down.

You get the idea...

Well, I decided to post some Jamie Dawn facts:
1. Jamie Dawn eats chocolate truffles in her sleep.
2. When the mailman delivers bills to Jamie Dawn's house, he wraps them in a black bow with a note that says, "I'm sorry."
3. The words "I'll never be able to finish this hamburger" have never been spoken by Jamie Dawn.
4. Jamie Dawn is SO tough the local biker hicks are getting pineapple tattoos with JD written on them.
5. The local Walmarts have a "Red Carpet for Jamie Dawn" policy.

Care to add any?

Our Ranch by Satellite

I have spoken about our "ranch" in CA. It was 43 acres, 40 of which were mandarin orchards.
We called it Rancho Flamingo.
Those seedless Satsuma mandarins were heaven!
Our kids grew up liking them more than candy.
One time, Courtney wanted me to peel a mandarin for her, and she said, "Make sure you get all the bones off."
She was talking about those stringy white pieces that get left sometimes when you peel them. She was about three when she said that. That memory makes me smile.
Taylor was born shortly after we moved to the ranch. He was three when he proclaimed that he wanted to be a "hay stacker" when he grew up. He had a lisp at the time, so he actually said "hay th-tacker." That memory makes me smile too.
Our kids grew up surrounded by beauty, and they had plenty of room to explore. They had the freedom to pee outside and not worry about anyone seeing them.
That's country life!
We had scavenger hunts and air soft tournaments with their friends, and we had volleyball tournaments with our friends. We went camping down in the lower part of the property that we called The Corral, where we set up tents, had campfires, and roasted marshmallows.
We had critters of all sorts, from birds to rabbits to skunks to cats and dogs. We killed off most of them, not on purpose, of course. I was responsible for the deaths of most of the baby animals we "rescued." There are animal carcasses buried all over the ranch.
If you go to the link below, you will see a satellite photo of our property taken in 1999. The big house is where my parents lived, and we lived just down the road in the smaller house. I will post some other photos of the ranch one of these days. We moved from the ranch in the fall of 2003.
Click Here To View Satellite Photo.
If you zoom out one notch at a time, you will see that our property is flanked by two canals, The Delta-Mendota and The California Aqueduct. If you look to the left, you will see Interstate 5 which runs the entire length of CA. At the time of this photo, the trees surrounding our house were still quite small, and the mature orchard surrounded my parents' house. As you can see, our neighbor had citrus orchards also, as well, in addition, too.

Duct Tape

When you live in Arkansas like we do, you have to learn to use duct tape in a variety of ways.
Duct tape is good for fixing broken windows and furniture, and it's good for hemming clothes.
I used to think that duct tape was a temporary fix.
Not in AR! Duct tape IS the fix.
Why waste money on new windows that are gonna break again anyway?
You can make a good, sturdy arm sling out of duct tape and avoid an expensive trip to the doctor. You may end up with a crooked arm, but you won't have a doctor's bill.
Our local high school offers a summer course called
"Duct Tape, A Life Staple."
These Arkansans are serious about their duct tape.
Stealing someone's duct tape is worse than stealing their chewing tobacco.
My son, Taylor, decided to impress his friends by making this wallet: He took a Fender label off of something else, so his wallet looks like a name brand product. He made the wallet over a month ago, and it has proven itself to be quite functional.
Oh, and it is also very durable. It survived a ride in the washer.

Republic of Palau Update

RoP is alive and doing well. He does not appear to have grown at all. He is still tiny and ultra cute. He is brave and lets us pet his head. I needed a babysitter for RoP the other day, and Lambchop was happy to oblige. See how gently Lammy holds him? Lammy sang, "I've got the Republic of Palau in my hands; I've got the Republic of Palau in my hands; I've got the Republic of Palau in my hands; I've got the turtle in my hands." RoP fell off to sleep due to Lambchop's soothing voice. When RoP woke from his nap, Lammy brought out a toy car for him to play with. RoP was so excited because he thought the car was a female turtle, so he proceeded to mount her. Lammy blushed. It didn't take long for RoP to figure out he'd made a mistake about the car, so Lambchop had to think of something else to keep RoP entertained. Lammy and RoP had such fun together, but that was not all that Lammy had in store for RoP. Lammy invited his niece, Lola, over to play with RoP. RoP just couldn't get enough of Lola. They played jacks and hide & seek and hopscotch. RoP kept tickling Lola and making her laugh. Lambchop did such a great job, that I know I don't ever have to worry about RoP being in good hands when I am away from home. Lammy has got it all under control. And, the great thing about Lammy is that he is cheap labor. He works for feed and an occasional back rub.

I Confess!

Jamie Dawn!


WHAT did you eat and WHEN did you eat it?


Well...

it all went downhill when at about 2:00 p.m., I had a large, Wendy's Frostie, with crushed Saltines.

I fixed chicken with rice for dinner and ate a healthy serving... followed by a piece of white bread, layered with peanut butter and honey and washed down with 2% milk. The skim milk (my usual choice) was glaring at me as I passed it over to reach for the fatter milk, which tasted great, by the way.

I did 20 minutes of Yoga with my daughter to appease my guilt, after which I was ravaged with hunger.

I topped the evening off with Peanut Butter Crunch cereal, swimming in 2% milk. I had a much larger serving than the 3/4 cup serving that is called for on the box.
They are joking about that 3/4 cup thing, right?

I'm a little piggie! Give me a break!

Fun and Games

When our kids were little, our family often played 20 Questions.
We still play it on road trips.
Taylor always chose things that were impossible for us to guess. It would take a hundred questions to figure out what he came up with.
Always after our 20 questions were up, we fully expected one of his usual answers such as, "It's that freckle on that girl's face on that painting right there," or "It's the piece of cherry pie I ate last Thanksgiving," or "It's that lady who was standing behind that guy who sold us movie tickets on Saturday."
Several years ago, it was his turn, and he came up with a doozie that we have never forgotten.
First, let me tell you that our dog's name at the time was Gunther.
We had narrowed it down to something having to do with Gunther's mouth.
When it came time to reveal, Taylor said,
"It is Gunther's left eye tooth."
We all groaned, and Courtney went into her "He NEVER plays the game right!" routine.
Back in March when we drove to Missouri for my inlaws' 50th anniversary, we decided to play 20 Questions to pass the time.
Taylor was eager to start, and we all said at the same time something like, "Don't do a Gunther's left eye tooth one!"
Do you think Taylor, being older and more mature now, came up with something within the realm of guessing possibility?
Of course not!
His answer was some guy we'd never heard of who plays in some band we'd never heard of.
And so, after 20 exasperating questions that lead nowhere, he revealed his answer, and we all groaned and let him know that we'd never even heard of that person.
Courtney could be heard whining, "He NEVER plays the game right!"

People Want to Kill You and Me

1. I must admit, I was a bit shaken to learn that those who were arrested in Canada had Toronto's CN Tower as one of their targets. Being that we just returned from there, it makes me sick to think that those men would like to have blown up that tower with my daughter, mother and I in it. It made me think of the horror of those who were murdered on 9-11-01. Remember the videos of fanatical Muslims and Bin Laden rejoicing after our citizens were slaughtered? I refuse to forget what we lost on that horrific day, and I refuse to back down from my resolve to use my votes for candidates who truly understand what we are up against. We cannot let our guard down, and we must use every tool at our disposal to stop attacks before they happen. The US and Canada worked together to foil this terrorist plot. I applaud their great work! If they tapped some phones or used other invasive tools to prevent this attack, do you have a problem with that?

2. There is a blogger who is trying to get 2,995 bloggers to do a post this Sept. 11th. Each post will be in honor of one life lost on that horrific day. Click Here if you would like to be part of this special blog tribute.

There are people who just read what I wrote and rolled their eyes in disgust. All they thought about was their hatred for President Bush. That hatred clouded everything in this post, even the memory of our murdered citizens. That hatred makes them see a story like the one in Canada, and search for things we did wrong instead of rejoicing in the victory. Some will be greatly concerned about those who were arrested. God forbid they get sent to the likes of GITMO!

I'm usually lighthearted here, but terrorism is nothing to joke about. "Mindless Blather" serves me well and helps me laugh at life. However, when it comes to terrorism we can't afford to be mindless or to blather on.
Action is what is necessary. Action like we saw with the arrests of the terrorists in Canada, who had connections in the US in the state Georgia.
Like my title says, there are people who want to kill us. They would wipe out our loved ones in a heartbeat and be amused about it.

Claws

My Gramillo was a manicurist.
She had worked in the modeling and cosmetic industry for years and then retired for many years. It was during those "retired" years that I was growing up, and she was just Gramillo and nothing else.
Being Gramillo meant she was home most of the time, and my brother and I were going over to her house as often as we could. Those were the days!
During my late teen years, Gramillo decided to go to cosmetology school and become a manicurist. It was perfect for her.
She had the longest, strongest fingernails I've ever seen. They were claws!
Whenever she clipped her nails, I always said that everyone in the room needed to don protective eyewear. Those flying pieces could put an eye out!
She usually had her fingernails painted in a bright color and decorated with fancy gems. She hand painted designs on fingernails. That was her specialty.
I still remember what her hands looked like and felt like. I miss those hands.
I inherited strong fingernails, but mine are not nearly as strong as hers.
Also, in addition, plus, I don't have claws like she did.
Mine could cause harm to the eyes though, so if you make me really angry, you may want to consider protective eyewear.

Proof of Hickdom

Just another piece of evidence to prove I am in hick territory.
You KNOW you live in Arkansas when you find THIS brochure at the school:

Hick young folk appreciate tobacco in all its forms.
This is passed down from Granddaddy Ollie who left his brass spitoon to Ollie Junior, who taught Ollie Junior #2 and Sissy Mae how to aim.
Yes, they are a proud folk.

Pa: Sissy Mae! Where is you? Get yer bohunkus in here right now!
Sissy Mae: I was skinnin' a squirrel, Pa! What is it?
Pa: Were it you that brushed yer teeth this mornin'?
Sissy: Sorry, Pa. I thought it was Friday already.
Pa: Don't let it happen again. That paste has gotta last 'nother two months.
Sissy: Pa, I'm outta chaw and my lice is back.
Pa: Here's some money. Git to the Bait & Grocery and git you some chaw, and grab me some Bud. I'll shave yer head when you git back.
Sissy: Pa-aaaww! Do you have to shave my head? Why cain't I git some of that hair rinse that kills 'em dead?
Pa: With the way yer wastin' tooth paste, we cain't afford it.

Have a chaw-free weekend.

What's Your Name Again?

Chuck and Sue were friends of my parents back when I was in high school. One time, Chuck and Sue were mistakenly introduced at a gathering as Suck and Chew.

My brother had a college professor named Dr. Bonner. Dr. Bonner conducted the university choir. At one concert, he was introduced as Dr. Boner.

Years ago, a woman from church had a baby boy. My hubby, a pastor, went to the hospital to congratulate the new parents. The baby was in a little infant's bed by the mom's hospital bed. My hubby misread the word "Male" that was written on a paper at the foot of the baby's bed. He thought it said, "Hale." He just assumed that was the baby's name. We told all the church people that the new baby's name was Hale. We didn't find out the real name until the day they brought "Hale" to be dedicated at the church.

My dad has never remembered names easily. Over the years, he has referred to people by their characteristics such as, The Tall Couple, The Sad Family, The Shy Guy, etc. The Sad Family really did look sad. The whole family had solemn faces. I always know who Dad is talking about because his descriptions are spot on.
I wonder what he would call you?

Gotcha!

SOMEbody ate all my chocolate truffles!!

Look who I found IN the bag. Actually, I got this little squirrelly fella from a cereal box. (Yes, I claim the prizes since I buy the cereal.)
If you haven't seen all three of the Ice Age movie trailers, CLICK HERE to see these delightful videos. They are short, and if you have kids around, they will LOVE them.
I saw the first Ice Age movie, and I think these trailers are better than the movies themselves.
You can choose between small, medium, and large screen formats.

If you have any chocolate truffles in your house, watch out for that Ice Age squirrell! He's tricky.
Uh...no...that is NOT chocolate on my mouth.
Uh, that's residue from a diet bar.
Yep, that's it.