Keep Your Shirt On & Your Pants

There's a gym in Holland that plans to offer nudist workout sessions beginning in March.
Yes, you read that right.
Those working out will be naked as plucked chickens.
Gym employees will remain clothed and will strictly monitor hygiene by providing disposble seat covers and sterilizing all equipment after the naked people and their sweaty, naked butts are finished contaminating the machines.
Uh-huh, that makes me feel a whole lot better, NOT!!
There's NO WAY in HADES that I would sit my fully-clothed hind end on the same stationary bike seat that was just occupied by someone's dank, moist, grimy, UNclothed butt crack.
Disposable seat covers my rear end!!
(Pun intended.)
The image of ogre-type men lying back on those weight benches with their privates exposed while they grunt and groan, trying to lift weights does NOT a pretty picture make.
Can you imagine spotting for them?
I'd rather lance boils for a living.
Also, I'm picturing Yoga and aerobics classes with all the stretching and bouncing that goes on.
Now, before any of you start thinking that joining these sessions would be a good way to see some fine nakedness, just remember that most nudists look like this:

That's the men, and the women are not known for their firmness either.
If you were imagining Vogue and GQ models frolicking about in the buff, sweat-free and perfectly made-up & powdered, then you're a DIRTY SINNER who is in for some MAJOR disappointment should you attend one of those nudist sweating sessions.
Devil, I cast thee OUT!!
Get your clothed buns to confession, pronto!
Or, if you're Baptist like every person within five hundred miles of me is, then lie prostrate on the floor and cry out, "Save me, Jesus! I don't want to go to hell!" and that will save you from burning for eternity for your wretched thoughts.
Not only is this gym going to offer butt-naked workouts, but there is talk of an airline offering nudist flights from Miami to Cancun.
"Coffee? Tea? Antibacterial seat cover?"
One thing I'm SURE the airline has NOT thought of is their liability should a nudist's privates get damaged by the seat belts. Pinching of tender skin is highly possible, you know.

PEE-EW and Hoot & Holler

Message from JD, a proud hick:
I've been busier'n a one-legged Riverdancer!
My son showed me that all our indoor commode seats done come from a company called Church.
I said, "That gives a whole new meanin' to the phrase 'church PEW!'"
(Hardy-har-har-snicker-snort!)

Blogger Lucy Stern drops by here ever once in a blue moon, and since I'm a good, neighborly woman, I always pay her a return visit. Last time I visited her blog, she posted an easy recipe fer Hootenanny Pancakes which are baked up in a dish instid of a fryin' pan.
Here's picture evidence of my Hootenanny Pancakes which we call Hoot & Holler Pancakes because when we saw how funny they looked, we HOOTED & HOLLERED!

I'm a good, neighborly woman, so I sent an invite to a lady and her three young'uns for lunch. She come by yesterdee with her three girls in tow, and we hung around chewin' the fat all afternoon. We chowed down on some Road Kill Stew and Crispy Hushpuppies. For dee-zert, we had Sweet Cream Biscuits with berries and whipped cream. Woooo BOY!
Here's the easy recipe for Sweet Cream Biscuits so you'ins can fix 'em at your'ins place.
Give 'em a try! Them's good enough to go hog wild on and expand yer bohunkus a few eenches.
Fire up yer oven to 450.
Mix 2 cups flour (the white kind, not that healthy crap) and 2 1/2 tsp baking powder and 1/2 tsp salt and 1/3 cup sugar in a large bowl. Add 1 cup of heavy cream (the full fat kind) and mix with a wooden spoon.
Stick yer hands in there now and knead the dough until it's all wet like.
Cover yer counter with some flour and roll out yer dough until it's about 1/2 eench thick.
Use an upside-down glass to cut out yer biscuits.
Place 'em on a greased cookie sheet, sprinkle 'em with sugar and bake for 12 to 15 minutes.
Keep yer eyes on 'em, and take 'em out when you see the littlest bit of brown starting or they'll turn out too derned hard and you'll end up breakin' yer last good tooth tryin' to eat the goll-derned thangs.

The Oldest Profession & Walking Lamonia

Recently, twelve people were arrested for prostitution in our downtown. I suggested to my hubby that since there are some openings now, I might be able to make some extra money in order to supplement our income.
I attend college two days a week, but those other three idle weekdays could become profitable. I suppose I could charge double on holidays and weekends.
We started brainstorming about this new venture, and as we were storyboarding our ideas, IT HIT US!
We could make a family business out of it!
We called a family meeting and told the kids the amount of tax-free profits we thought we could rake in as a family. They were thrilled and both shouted things like, "Count us in!", and "Show me the money!"
I've heard that families who work on common goals together remain close throughout all their lives.
Our new business is a surefire way to seal for eternity the close bond we already have.
Feel free to use our idea for your family in your neck of the woods, but don't even THINK about horning in on our turf!!
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On Valentine's Day morning, my hubby awoke to several wrapped gifts from his adoring wife, JD. He went into panic mode and admitted that he had forgotten it was Valentine's Day.
I graciously forgave him because he had brought home flowers the week before for no reason at all.
Even though I had extended the olive branch of forgiveness, my hubby still felt terribly guilty for forgetting to get me something. Guilt is GOOD because it drove him to make a mad dash to the store, and I KNEW I would be receiving a nice gift. Guilty gifts are always the BEST.
A little while after he returned home, he told me to look in the exercise area where I keep the elliptical trainer.

He had mounted a small, flat screen TV for me to watch while I exercise, AND he had moved one of the DVRs there so I could record shows to watch. SUPERB!
I recorded an episode of the Maury show, and on it a lady said her man had cheated on her while she was in the hospital with "walking lamonia." Yes, my blog buddies, she said "lamonia."
I don't plan to record any more Maury shows.

It's cold out there!
Keep your coat on or you'll get lamonia!!

Charge $10,000 & Pay Only $5,000, HOW?

I heard a commercial on the radio about a company that can help you wipe out over half of your credit card debt.
We don't have much credit card debt, so I almost tuned out until they said THIS:
"You must have at least $10,000 of credit card debt and the desire to be free from it."
The wheels in my undersized-but-very-active brain began turning. I've been wanting to find a financially creative way to furnish our new house, and THIS IS IT!
I can easily rack up $10,000 worth of nice furniture (no problemo for me-o). I KNOW when my hubby sees what I've done, I'll wish to God I hadn't spent all that money, which means I'll have a great desire to be free from the credit card debt. According to the commercial, they can work it out so I only have to pay about half of what I owe, and they are eagerly awaiting MY call.
Yippeee! I'll get $10,000 worth of furniture for only $5,000.
Ain't that SWEEET?!
Take my advice dear blog buddies: Shop 'til you drop this weekend, and make SURE you charge it.

(Disclaimer: The suggestions put forth on this blog come from the pea brain of the blog creator and are not to be emulated or taken seriously in any way. Anyone who takes them seriously needs to seek professional help, pronto! Be sure to pay your shrink with your credit card.)

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Last weekend's Change One Letter game has continued all week. This wild, word party is continuing over at Mike's blog this weekend. The game is addicting, and I know you wanna keep it going. It's quick, fun, and you can pop in any time and play as often as you want. Mike will be ready to receive party guests, armed with four letter words, beginning Friday evening.
BYOB - Bring Your Own Brain.

Nothing Like Being Prepared

Some neighbors of ours came over to visit and asked if they could look through our house. We'd been to theirs for a New Year's Eve party, and they wanted to see our flooring choices, countertops, etc. When we got to the master bedroom, I was instantly mortified. On BOTH of our bedside tables there were strips of lens cleanser packets which looked just like strips of condom packets. There were about SIX packets on EACH bedside table. I hope they didn't notice them. If they did, I wonder what they thought?
Nothing like being prepared!
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This silly conversation between my son and me made me smile:

"Taylor, are you ready for spaghetti?"

"You betty!"
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The sky was incredibly beautiful a couple of nights ago. It was like pastel waves. My daughter and I grabbed our cameras.