You Mean They're NOT Perfect???!!

Ladies, we are faced with images of perfect women all the time, and we know we just can't measure up to that kind of perfection.
Well, take heart, dear female blog buddies!!
With a few clicks, this post will raise your self esteem a few notches by proving that there's no such thing as a perfect woman.
Of course, this post will also dash the high hopes of our male blog buddies who will see some of Hollywood's sexy, gorgeous women looking a little less sexy and not so gorgeous.
Sorry, guys.
Well, not really.
Contrary to what you may think, inspite of all the dieting, personal training sessions, spa visits, colonic irrigations, Botox injections, and mucho dinero spent on plastic surgery, celebrities DO have imperfections, and they DO actually eat food occasionally.
Another SHOCKER is that they actually have pores.
HELLO! WAKE UP!
Get your mind off the "colonic irrigations" thing.
Yes, it's a real thing that some celebs swear makes them glow from the inside out. They pay big bucks for a Deluxe Roto Rooter package when they could do it free at home with a couple of Fleet enemas and a garden hose.
Let's moooove on.
Ladies, next time you crave something sweet and wonder if you should indulge or not...
just think of Charlize Theron, then go for it.
Celebs get wrinkles and have crummy hair days too.
Lisa Kudrow is proof of that.
Age takes its toll on everyone, and even the very lovely Melanie Griffith can be caught without makeup and not looking her best.
Renee Zelwegger was certainly NOT red-carpet-ready on this particular day.
All the women shown here are beautiful, talented, imperfect people.
There will always be someone prettier than you, thinner than you, smarter than you, younger than you, more talented than you, and richer than you, but there will NEVER be another YOU!!
Ladies and menfolk alike, heed my words:
You are unique.
You are wonderfully made.
You are beautiful!!
May I have your autograph??!!

New!! Sassy Fresh Colors!

I have had an AMAZING, LIFE CHANGING weekend!!!
I use Noxema brand razors.
They come in bright colors.
I had no idea my legs and armpits had gotten bored with the same old, same old colors UNTIL Noxema came out with their NEW Sparkling Citrus colors.

When those sassy, fresh-colored razors first made contact with my skin...
I wept.
Why did I weep?
I wept for all those days, weeks, and months that I'd used those old colors, completely unaware of what joys my legs and pits were missing out on.
I wept because those Sparkling Citrus colors were not avaliable until now.
I wept for joy because those new colors really rocked my world!
I had no idea that simply changing the color of razors, without enhancing their performance in any way, could make such a significant difference in my life.
I can say with assurance that I have the happiest armpits on the planet!
Look at the picture below and see for yourself why the NEW colors are SO MUCH better.

The two razors on the left are OBVIOUSLY the NEW Sparkling Citrus colors.
The two razors on the right are the tired, old colors that my legs were quite literally fed up with.
You now understand why my weekend has been so terrific.
I hope yours was good too!

Gully Washers

Growing up in California, we did not have gully washers.
Here in Hickville, we do.
Gully washers are sudden, intense rainstorms that come out of nowhere, flood the landscape, and wash the gullies.
What's a gully?
A gully is a gutter or a ditch.
You see how educational this blog is???
And it's pronounced warshers, not washers.
Repeat after me:
Gully.
Warshers.
Hicks and rednecks are very accustomed to gully washers.

If it's a mild gully washer, you'll find your neighbor's garden gnomes on your front porch.

If it's a doozie of a gully washer, you'll find your neighbor's granny on your front porch.

If it's the mother of all gully washers, you'll find your neighbor's other granny on your front porch - you know, the one who died last year.

I am still amazed that it can be a bright, sunny, cloudless day, and within minutes the sky is black, thunder is clapping loudly, and I'm running for cover so I don't get drenched.
Also, when it rains here in the south, the temperature doesn't change.
I'm used to rain being associated with cold.
In the south, I can actually sweat in the rain.

I just made some sweet tea.
I think I'll go sit a spell on my back porch and drink some.
Did I say "sit a spell?"
I meant to say, "sweat a spell."

Y'all send a smile my way cuz I'm sendin' one to y'all.

You Look Good for a Guy in Your Shape

That title is a caption from a Herman cartoon where he's sitting shirtless in front of the doctor.
I love those cartoons. When I was a kid, we had some Herman cartoon books that we nearly had memorized.
There was one where Herman and his wife are on the beach, and Herman is using a paint roller to put suntan lotion on his wife's ample-sized back.
I guess we Americans are getting fatter and fatter.
Supposedly, other nations' bohunkuses are widening also, in addition, as well, too, but our backsides really take the cake.
(That's moist, double-chocolate cake with a rich fudge frosting.)
I am stumped.
We can send people into space, take pictures of galaxies light years away, do surgery on babies in the womb, convict scumbags of murder from a speck of DNA, but we can't make a carrot taste like a chocolate truffle or make celery taste like a burrito.
I just don't get it!
There are many things that I think we should be able to do by now, but for some inexplicable reason, we cannot.
We can't cure the common cold, get rid of allergies, eliminate acne or baldness or wrinkles or cellulite or morning breath.

What the SAM HILL have our scientists been doing??!!

This is totally unrelated, but I want to know how YOU say the word "syrup."
My hubby and I say sir-up,
but BOTH our kids say seer-up.
How did THAT happen???
Kids just don't listen these days!
I'm just a humble woman who doesn't ask for much.
All I want is for raw veggies to taste like truffles and ice cream and peanut butter and pizza and fried rice and berry pie and brownies...
AND for my kids to pronounce syrup the RIGHT way.

Lammy has a Dream

Lambchop, our adopted son, is terribly angry because he won't be able to vote in the 2008 Presidential election.

I'm not going to go into the whole story of how Lammy became a member of our family, but if you'd like to know that info, just read this post and also in addition as well this post.

I tried explaining that animals don't have a vote in ANY elections.
Lammy stomped off to his room shouting,
"My civil rights are being violated!"
That little fella is so moody!
He wants Obama to be our next president because the word "baaaah" is in the middle of O-baaaah-ma.
I told him that is not a good basis on which to decide one's vote.
Lambchop's sassy retort was,
"Who the holy-dad-gummed hell asked you?!"
I told you he's moody.
I made him stay in his room all afternoon as punishment for cursing and being sassy.
At dinner, I told him I was currently leaning towards Giuliani, and Lammy scrunched his face into a ghastly contortion and spewed,
"You wanna look at THAT bald head and listen to THAT slight lisp for four years?"
Later that evening, I heard Lambchop calling for me from his bedroom.
When I got there, he was standing at a lectern (made of books). He cleared his throat loudly and began shouting to the top of his little lamb lungs,

"I have a dream that ALL LAMBS will be able to vote!"

"Preach it, brother!" I hollered.
He paused and dabbed his brow with a hanky and continued.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men AND LAMBS are created equal!"

"Amen and amen!" came my fervant response.
With a broad smile, Lammy held his head high and puffed out his chest as he yelled the rafters down.

"I dream of a day when whites and blacks, LAMBS and humans, and ALL God's children can hold hands and proclaim,
'Free at last! Free at last! Thank Gaaaahd Almighty! We're free at last!'"

Where's the Republic of Palau?

Can you find our pet turtle in this picture?

He's over there on the right hand side.
Poor little fellow.
Our pet turtle, Republic of Palau (RoP, for short) died on Thursday.
He was alive and well on Wednesday. Then fate decided it was time for him to give up the ghost and join his compadres who've gone before him in Turtle Paradise.
Whether killed by being smashed on the road or by the hands of a horrid kid or death by natural causes - it matters not; ALL turtles go to heaven (except for those snapping ones).
When RoP first joined our family, he was such a mess. He suffered terribly from insomnia due to Restless Leg Syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from nearly being smashed to death on the road on which we found him. After a few weeks in my loving care, RoP was sleeping soundly and was the robust picture of health for over a year... until the good Lord called him home to the place where all turtles, tortoises, and tarapins enjoy eternal bliss.
All indications point to the fact that RoP died peacefully in his sleep. I'm thinking cardiac arrest or brain aneurysm. I'm wondering if a turtle has ever died from spontaneous combustion?
I was the ONLY family member who truly mourned for him.
My heartless son actually rejoiced over RoP's demise. He's a sick, sick boy and a very ornery son!
He is currently banished from our home, chained to a post in our back yard, and he must wait at the bottom of the porch steps for daily scraps. Yesterday, he got two apple cores and half a pickle. I was being generous.

Below is a photo of my dearly beloved RoP when he was full of life and vigor. He was enjoying some playtime with his big brother, Lambchop.
Oh... those were the days...
I gotta go threaten my son with bodily harm now because he's yelping and howling, and I don't want him disturbing the neighbors. I think he must have eaten that pile of jalepenos I left for him this morning. I guess I'm gonna be forced to get him some water to shut him up.

Ripping You Off in Jesus' Name

Don't you just LOVE a good scam?
They are especially good when they are done in the name of the Lord.
Recently, I received this little gem in the mail.

This scam included four pages of trickery worded to make the reader feel as if they would be missing out on great blessings if they did not follow all the instuctions. It came with a paper "prayer" handkerchief that I was to put under my bed, and a sealed prophecy (just for me!) that I was to read ONLY after following all the instructions.
If I chose NOT to follow the instructions, I was to destroy the sealed prophecy, unread.
OOOoooo! I think if you read the prophecy - like I did - without following the instructions, your toes are supposed to fall off and your house will be overrun with bats.

The GREAT thing about receiving this letter was that my parents own a home just down the street from ours. They don't live there currently, so I collect any mail that comes to them. I KNEW they would have received this same scam letter, and I decided to see if our "personal" prophecies matched.
SURE ENOUGH! We both got the SAME prophecy!!
What are the chances of that???!!!
I scoured the pages looking for those magic words:
Seed Faith Offering.
Lo and behold, I found the section about sowing a seed of faith - which in simple terms means they want your money.
They trick people into thinking that if they don't send money, then blessings will not "grow" in their lives.

These scams trick many people, especially the elderly. My dear Gramillo would have been someone to fall for these kinds of religious scams. I get SO angry over these things!!!

I received the following email scam just this week. Notice the odd wording and other errors (probably written by someone outside the USA). They are using religion again to trick people into falling for their scam:

Dearest in Christ,

I am Mr. Michael Ezeocha, and I got your contact on my personal search of the person I want to will my money to.
Please I willed the sum of Two Million US Dollars to you,that is the only money left in my account right now.
Please,I want you to use this money for the churches and lessprivileged.
If you really want to know why I have willed this money toyou and you want this money to be transferred to you pleasecontact the bank manager whose name and address I will giveto you as soon as you reply this mail.
He will help you transfer this money that I have willed toyou. Right now I am in the hospital and i will tell you my story.
Please get back to me through my reliable email address:mr.micheze@sify.com
God Bless you.
Michael Ezeocha

SHAME on them!!!!! :-(

Our Kinfolk Came By

This past week, my MIL and SIL came for a visit.
We drank tons of iced tea and made many trips to the tinkle room.
Speaking of the tinkle room...
How do you know you're in a motel room in Arkansas?
When you call the front desk to say you've got a leak in the sink, they say, "Go ahead!"

Some of you know that my FIL died this past October.
You may remember that my MIL's name is Wilma, and my FIL's name is Fred. They were Fred & Wilma years before The Flinstones came onto the scene.
She brought us a lovely photo of the two of them.
The photos in back are ones my daughter took - two of her brother, and one of herself.
On the right, is a picture of our bestest friends in the whole wide world, Ken & Tami.
On the left is my MIL and FIL.

We ate some good food and devoured some yummy brownies.
Good times and good food just go together, don't they?

Jethro was getting pretty hungry when he spotted his pal, Bubba, holding a bag that was moving wildly.
Jethro: What's in that thar bag?
Bubba: Chickens
Jethro: If'n I can guess how many chickens are in that thar bag, will you give me one of 'em?
Bubba: Golly, Jethro! If'n you can guess how many chickens are in this here bag, I'll give you BOTH of 'em.

Jethro: Fair 'nuff. Ummm... THREE??

I always enjoy conversations around the dinner table.
That's my son, my hubby, my MIL, and my SIL.