Hows and Bys

I'm leaving for CA on Monday.
I will be visiting my brother for a few days, then we will go visit my parents.
I have arranged to meet three blog buddies, two in CA and one in KY.
Kentucky?? Yep.
"How's that?" you ask.

Here's the short version:
I'll be in CA for a week. Then, my bro and dad will fly back to Hickville with me. We will grab my son, and the four of us (Dad, Bro, Tay, & ME) will head out for a driving trip, ending near the KY/TN border in Jamestown, TN - or so I thought.
When I realized I'd be just 40 miles from blog buddy Rachel, who lives in Kentucky, I decided to go see her.

All this vacation stuff will be over on August 8th, after which I will share pics from our trip and pics of blog buddies, and I will write posts about funny stuff that happened, until you are bored silly from hearing about my trip.

I was thinking of a game we could play while I'm gone.
I don't plan to post anything new until after August 8th.
While on my trip, whenever I get time at a computer, I'll play this game and visit your blogs.

I was thinking about a game I used to play as a kid.
The game is Hows and Bys.
We used to write down a bunch of questions beginning with "How," and we would write down a bunch of answers beginning with "By."
Then we'd put the Hows in one box and the Bys in another box, and shake them up.
We'd pick from the How Box and read aloud, followed by a reading from the By Box.
It was great fun.
We'd end up with silly questions & ridiculous answers.

I want to play Hows & Bys with you.
Let me explain how we will play.

BEFORE you go to the comments:
1. Think of an answer that starts with "By," such as "By eating toast."
2. Think of a question that begins with "How, " such as "How do turtles mate?"

AFTER you come up with a By and a How,
go to the comments and write your "By" first, and then your "How."

Using the above examples, your comment would look like this:
By eating toast.
How do turtles mate?

Your "By" will be the answer to the previous commenter's "How," and your "How" will be answered by the next commenter's "By."

I hope it makes sense.
It's great fun when it works.
I hope you will come back and play several times while I'm on my trip.
I will jump in the game too from CA and from our roadtrip.
It's fun to revert to being a kid now & then, so have some silly fun!!

I posted a "How" in the comments to get things going.
Remember, write a "By" and then a "How."

I Met Uncle Joe & Aunt Josefina!

That's the Joe/Jo family.
Tuesday we woke up and had no water.
At about 4:30 p.m. our water was restored.
My family had enough time to get spiffed up (teeth brushed and pits washed) before meeting with the FIRST blog buddies I have ever had the pleasure of meeting IN PERSON!!
We dined with Uncle Joe and Aunt Jo and their lovely daughters at a restaurant by the lake.


Their youngest daughter was shy most of the time, but she finally broke loose and performed her rendition of Oklahoma for me, including choreography. Her mom sang with her. It was a treat!!
Their oldest daughter was sporting some lovely pearls, and she was a polite and friendly young lady.
Aunt Jo has incredibly beautiful blue eyes, and Uncle Joe looked dashing in his Batman t-shirt.
(Secretly, he IS Batman on the side, whenever he can fit it into his schedule. Don't tell anyone.)
All in all, it was a nice time with some very sweet-natured people.
Here we are outside the restaurant:





You can visit Aunt Jo by clicking HERE.
Uncle Joe has been on a blog break, so you can leave a comment for him (or Batman) with his wifey-poo.
I'm meeting two more blog buddies next week while I'm in CA, and I'm planning to meet up with blog buddy Rachel in Kentucky the following week.
Yipppeeee!!

Things JD Notices

I drive by this large sign daily, and it bugs the snot out of me:


Notice they have an apostrophe before the s in it's.
it's = it is
That makes the sign read like this:
Living at it (is) finest.
It shouldn't bug me, but it does.
They paid money for that sign!
Have they NOT noticed this???
The sign belongs to a realty company.
Their motto should be "Wee caint spel, butt wee can cell!"

In these here parts, molestation is out of control:



Thanks to all who are helping me champion the cause of "hitonious." I put a link on the side bar where you can click and leave a comment using the word hitonious any old time your heart desires. If you see any hitonious sights, I want to know about them. Please share the hitoniousness. The more usage it gets, the better its chances of making it into the dictionary next year. Thanks to Jim's comment, I added hitionious to the Urban Dictionary. Hooray!!

Hitonious Did Not Make the Cut

I'm crushed, crestfallen.
Recently, new words were added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.
I've used the word, hitonious, since I made it up back in high school.
The word has served me well for lo these many years.
I vowed to do my best to get it into the dictionary where it belongs.
But, alas, my efforts proved fruitless.
Words such as ginormous, crunk, and sudoku were deemed worthy, but hitonious was not.
My efforts DID, however, cause many a blogger to begin using this necessary word.
For those of you who do not know, hitonious means beyond horrid.
You use it when something is horrendous and hideous and horrid combined.
It is used when those words are not enough to express the... uh.... HITONIOUS nature of something.
For example...
A mullet is horrid.
A mullet on a greasy, 500 lb. man who is wearing lipstick and sporting a plumber's crack is HITONIOUS!
You get the picture.
You see why this word is a necessary addition to our language.
Hitonious was passed over by smackdown, microgreen, Bollywood and speed dating.
Can you believe that???
Google this fabulous, yet unacknowledged word, and you will see that it has been used many times by my wonderful blog buddies.
Use it well!
Use it often!
Spread the word ALL over Blogdom!!
Use it as an adjective (hitonious) or adverb (hitoniously) or noun (hitoniousness).
Together WE WILL get this word included in the dictionary!!
To show that you understand the meaning of hitonious, please prove it by including an example in the comments:

Unflushed poop in a public toilet is hideous.
Corn and raisin-infested poop in a grocery store aisle is HITONIOUS!

This weekend, feel free to leave several examples using hitonious in the comments.
I plan to put a Make Hitonious a Word link on my sidebar, so we can continue coming up with uses for this vital word.
Hitonious deserves to be recognized as a REAL word!

Addendum: In the comments, Paul asked, "What's a mullet?"
This is a picture of Paul:

New Age Landscaping by Taylor

We have not been able to come up with the funds needed to landscape our yard.
My son, Taylor, took it upon himself to remedy the situation.
He used a couple of cans of white spray paint and drew in our landscaping.
We have flower beds with bushes and some well placed trees in the front yard. We also have curvy walkways and even a stone path. He put in a couple of birdbaths since he knows that I want those. What a thoughtful young man he can be at times.
We have a lovely gazebo in the side yard, and a hammock between two trees for taking those lazy afternoon naps.
Pictured below is our back yard.

This photo was taken after a couple of rainstorms had faded his artistic handiwork, but you can always enlarge it to see the fine details if you so desire.
There is a pool, clearly marked POOL, with a diving board on right.
On the left, you can see the hot tub, clearly marked Hot Tub.
On the right just below the pool, there is a sign that says No Run, which Taylor said came from China.
Just beyond the limits of this photo, we have a barbecue pit with shishkabobs and steaks on it.
Taylor is willing to provide New Age landscaping for your home if the price is right.
He also offers food tasting services if you want any of your recipes evaluated.
He collects cash and gift cards if you have any of those lying around.

A 4th of July without Food

As the hours passed, I became more and more hungry.
I was ravenous.
I would have killed for a slice of pizza.
I fasted on July 4th - not for a political or an environmental cause, not for a religious reason, BUTT for something embarrASSing to talk about.
I was purging my system in preparation for a July 5th colonoscopy.
So, I spent much of the holiday making my own blasts upon the porcelain throne.
For several hours, I dared not stray more than twenty feet from the john, lest I mess my undies.
I am proud to say I made it to the toilet every time that powerful urge tested the strength of my sphincter.
I admit, there were a few close calls which required intense clenching, BUTT I prevailed.
I was able to enjoy our fireworks because by the time we set them off, I was pretty much drained of all bodily fluids.
Frankly put: I was clean as a whistle!

In CA, we NEVER could have fireworks like this.



In Hickville, you can buy fireworks year round.
No rules. No restrictions. :-)

I want to end this post on a serious note, if I can.
I'm 43 years old, and at age 50, doctors advise everyone to have a colonoscopy.
I went to the doctor on July 3rd due to some bleeding that occured when I went number 2.
(Eeeew, I know. TMI. BUTT this is important.)
Yes, it was embarrASSing to have my bare, broad bohunkus exposed and to be rectally prodded by an emollient, gloved digit. BUTT when it comes to your health, you should never let embarrASSment keep you from seeing the doc.
During the colonoscopy, the doc removed two large polyps (3 - 3.5 cm) from my colon.
3 cm sounds small to me, but I'm not the doc.
He also found two internal hemroids which were the cause of the bleeding, which had caused me to see the doc in the first place.
He said that had I waited until age 50 to have my first colonoscopy, those polyps would have grown larger and could have become cancerous. The bleeding hemroids saved me from having to deal with those polyps later.
All I can say is THANK GOD for HEMROIDS!!
(Ooops, I'm supposed to be serious... sorry.)
Please don't hesitate to see a doctor if you notice problems or changes in your health.
Also, don't be afraid of a colonoscopy. I slept through the whole thing, and I'm doing great.
If you are age 50 or older and have never had a colonoscopy, please schedule one right away.

Hickspeak 101

When learning to talk like a hick, one must relearn the pronounciation of names.

My son's name is Taylor.
In Hickville, his name is pronounced Tyler
-with a long, drawl on that first syllable.

Taylor has a friend named Tyler.
They pronounce his name Taller
-with that LONG, first-syllable drawl.

My son has another friend named Kyle.
In Hickspeak, it's Kahl.
I realize Kyle has two syllables, while Kahl only has one; but the amazing thing is they stretch Kaaaahl out so much that they somehow manage to get two syllables out of it. I'm still working on that one.

My daughter's name is Courtney.
Hers is tricky.
They call her Co-ort-nay.

My hubby's name is Keith.
They say Kayth.

My name is Jamie Dawn.
Here, I am Jye-mie Dah-wun.

Mastering Hickspeak takes time.
It takes YEARS to SOUND like a native speaker and DECADES to LOOK like a natural born hick.
I watch reruns of Gomer Pyle and The Beverly Hillbillies, and I have a subscription to Redneck Readers Digest, which happens to be a picture book.
I'm even memorizing the names of Nascar drivers.
It's brutal, but I'm determined to be bilingual.

Have fun this 4th of July!!
In Hickspeak, when you say July, the emphasis is on the first syllable.
You try it: JEW-lye

Happy Foe-worth ahhv Jew-lye!!!