Happy Semi-Hick Halloween!!

Hi, ya'll! Or is it y'all??
I got this here bobbly headband from the dollar store.
You'll never guess how much it costed!
I got me a bargain! It only costed me three dollars.
Those first two pics are of my daughter. Some stupid feller asked her if she was dressed up to look like someone called Peppi or Pippi, or some such nonsense. She ain't even got on her costume yet! That's one dumb feller! Dudn't he knowed when a person's got on a costume or not?!?
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Yew already knowed that we get thangs from our grandpappies and grannies and aunties and such like "She's got her pappy's knobby knees," or "He's got his granny's big ears," or "Little Ikey's got a hump on his back jest like his pa's."
I'm here to tell yew that we also inherit some of our kin's habits too, in addition, as well.
I do somethun that my grandpa used to dew. As I use bread up or eat up chips, I trim off the excess bag like so:



Jest is case yer wonderin' why there're spiders on my counter, those are my pets Jose, Arliss, Vestel, & Francie.
Gotcha!!
Them's jest some creepy Halloween decors.
We like to hide em in the pantry and under pillows and such to scare the daylights outta each other.
Yesterdee, I put one of them spiders on top of my head and forgot he was there. Later, I went into the bathroom and nearly passed out when I saw myself in the mirror.
I took a thorny switch to Taylor's backside for playing such a nasty trick on me. It wuhdn't til today that I remembered that I was the one who'd put the dern thang on my head in the first place.
Oh, well, the boy was dew for a good whippin' anyway.

I'll never be fully & completely hick-i-fied because I like to eat this:



What is it? Well, it's a cucumber, barbecue chip, and chive & onion cream cheese sandwich.
Hicks are not into these kinds of fancified foods.
I was dranking sweet tea though which scores me big hick points.
This afternoon they are showing off a 2 ton brick made by some guys in our town.
Yep. These are excitin' times here in Hickville!
Happy Halloween from a genuine, semi-hick!!

Blog Church - Week 3

As you get settled into your virtual pew, you'll notice there's a virtual bag of chocolate truffles and a Halloween mask. Please put on your mask, and keep it on for the remainder of the service.
Some of you are wearing a silly mask while others are wearing a scary mask.
If you're like me, you have the ability to look silly and scary without the help of a mask.
Today's sermon is "Who Are You Underneath It All?"
Regardless of how your mask looks on the outside, your insides can look totally different.
That's what's SO scary about us humans!
Why is it that after a serial killer is caught, his neighbors always say, "He was such a nice guy. I NEVER would have thought he could do THAT!"
We all know the old saying, "You can't judge a book by its cover."
That is so true and it cuts both ways. Something or someone can look bad from the outside, but then turn out to be good, and visa versa.
It takes time to really get to know someone beyond the surface "mask" they wear. Even then, we never really know all that's going on inside of another person.
Please open your virtual Bible and read with me.
1 Samuel 16:7 "God does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart."
In this passage, God told Samuel to annoint one of the sons of Jesse as the new King of Israel. The funny thing was that Jesse had several sons, so Samuel started with the tallest and strongest son, whom the Lord promptly rejected as King. Samuel went down the line, each time thinking this son HAD to be the one. The Lord told him not to consider the person's height or strength or outward appearance at all. Finally, he'd run out of sons, and he asked Jesse if he had any other sons that were not present. Well, it ends up that Jesse's youngest, scrawniest son was out tending the sheep. He wasn't even considered to be a proper candidate, so he'd been left out of the lineup.
That son was David - King David, writer of the famous 23rd Psalm which has brought comfort to people for centuries all over the world.
You are wearing a mask.
Whatever limitations that mask represents from the outside mean nothing to God.
You have amazing potential to do good in the world around you.
Now, eat your truffles and take off that ridiculous mask!
I said take off that ridicu -- oh, sorry, I thought you were still wearing it.
This is Rev. JD wishing you a sweet-filled Halloween week and admonishing you to avoid over-indulgence which leads to gluttony which leads to terribly tight jeans which lead women to ask their husbands the dreaded, "Do these pants make me look fat?" question which regardless of how he answers always leads to a fight which is definitely not a good thing.
And everyone said.... AMEN!!

JD's Got a Potty Mouth!

You've probably noticed that I'm posting Blog Church every Sunday and then one other post mid week. Each time I post, I visit everyone who visited me & left a comment on my previous post. That way I get around to everyone twice a week who is regularly visiting me. As most of you know if you're one who posts every day, I usually catch up by reading a few of your posts and leaving comments on them. Posting twice a week is working out well for me since it gives me time to make sure I visit everyone who has been kind enough to visit me.

Blog Buddy Cliff wrote a post recently about Butt Rub.
I guess I'm going to play my trump card now.
My hubby came home from the store with this:



FYI, this product is for cracked heels.
Speaking of cracks, here's a local business sign which I've shown here before, BUTT one can never get too much of a good thing:



We already have this product which is suppposed to work wonders on all skin ailments:




This ad was in our newspaper last week. Sorry about the blurry photo I took, but I'll tell you what it says.



Under the section "Give Aways" - this is the second ad down:

ABOVE AVERAGE spayed calico cat and neutered striped gray cat. Needs good home.

For the past few days, I've been wondering a couple of things:
1. What makes these cats ABOVE average?
2. If they are so gall derned special, then why are they being given away?!?

Blog Church - Week 2

Welcome to the second Sunday of Blog Church.
I'm Reverend Jamie Dawn, your online pastor.
I preach with a fun twist, and you never know what to expect.
Most of the time I don't even know what to expect!

Today's sermon is called, "You Are SO Bad!!"
Please turn in your virtual Bible to John 3:16 & 17:
"(16) For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. (17) For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved."

Verse 16 is often referred to as The Bible in a Nutshell, but today I want to focus on verse 17.
SOooo many people associate God with the word "don't."

Don't drink, don't chew, or go with girls who do.
Don't swear, don't lie, or you will fry.

Verse 17 contradicts the harsh message of condemnation that so many people feel when they think of God or religion or church.
It is clear that Jesus's message is one of forgiveness not condemnation.
Guilt keeps a lot of people away from church, which is why Blog Church is so COOL!
There's no reason you need to avoid God just because you are avoiding going to church.
You can attend Blog Church without leaving your house.
Blog Church welcomes the guilt-ridden, depressed, sinful, wretched, non-showered, and those with severe bed head.
Come one, come all!!
Some people think Jesus does nothing but point out sins and faults and mistakes, just like the "Jesus" portayed in this video.
It is a satirical look at a false stereotype some have of Jesus.
As you watch this, have a good laugh, but also realize the truth from John 3:17.

Hick Pride!!

As many of you know, we moved from CA to Hickville just over two years ago.
The transition took some getting used to, but now all four of us have a Hick Degree with a Minor in Redneck.

I can now hit a deer with my car at dawn and have it skinned, gutted, and frozen by noon.
I have a fine collection of antique spitoons.
If I like you alot, I'll show you my jar with a pickled, two-headed piglet inside.
Although I've become a bonafide hick, there are some things about Hickville that I've NOT gotten used to.

Recently, we ate at a local pancake house.
The first thing I noticed was the hitonious decor.
Imagine giving a seven year old $50 to spend at The Dollar Tree, then asking him to decorate the restaurant.
It was a cross between tacky and ugly with a dash of gawdy.
The straw that broke this Hick's back, was the Pest Control ad you see pictured below which was ON OUR TABLE!!!



There's nothing more appetizing than reading about roaches and earwigs just as you're about to dig into a meal.
Sitting right next to us were two men, one weighed 400+ pounds (easily) and the other sported an atrocious t-shirt with a howling wolf on the front (& back too which I noticed when they left).
Their conversation went something like this:
Wolf Man: I don't fear death at all.
Big Man: Them hashbrowns is taaaaasty!
Wolf Man: I plan to be reincarcerated as a wolf.
Big Man: You gonna eat yer biscuit?
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A big THANKS to all who attended Rev. JD's Blog Church last Sunday.
Come back next Sunday for another rousing sermon!!

The Launch of Blog Church

An innovative, online church is starting here each Sunday.
It's called Blog Church.
It is pastored by Rev. Jamie Dawn, master theologian and out-of-the-box thinker.
Rev. JD will preach on serious topics such as "Plagues", and she will answer age old questions such as "Did Adam Have a Belly Button?".
The great thing about Blog Church is you can attend in your jammies or even buck naked if you wish.
Now THAT'S religious freedom, baby!
And everyone said... Amen!

Today's sermon is called "Mummies are People Too."
Please open your virtual Bibles to John 11:35 where we find the shortest verse in the Bible.

"Jesus wept." (KJV, NKJV, NIV, NASB)

If you don't know what KJV, NKJV, NIV, & NASB stand for, then all I can say to you is,
"Bless your little, unchurched heart."
Prior to the "Jesus wept" verse, we are told that Jesus got word that his friend, Lazarus, was ill.
By the time Jesus arrived, Lazarus had been dead four days.
Lazarus's sisters were not too thrilled with Jesus showing up AFTER their brother had died.
They told Jesus that if he'd been there, he could have healed Lazarus so he wouldn't have kicked the bucket.
(Yes, they said "kick the bucket" back in those days.)
Jesus said in reponse, "I am the resurrection and the life!"
They stared back at Jesus with the HUH? look.
It's very similar to the Say What? look.
Lazarus's loved ones were grieving outside his tomb, and this is when "Jesus wept" came into play.
Jesus told them to open the tomb, but he was told, "By this time, Lazarus stinketh!"
They obeyed Jesus and removed the stone from the tomb.
Jesus cried in a loud voice, "Lazarus Come Forth!"
If you want to imagine what Jesus sounded like when he said this, just think of when Ronald Reagan said, "Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down This Wall!"
At Jesus's command, Lazarus rose from the dead, still wrapped in cloths like a mummy.



Speaking of mummies, Halloween isn't that far off, so be sure and stock up on candy for the neighborhood kiddos.
Remember, kids want candy, not stickers or a stupid piece of fruit.

In closing, I have one question gnawing at my brain from this Biblical passage:
Why did Jesus weep when he knew that he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead?
Here's how Pope Leo 1 explained it when he discussed the two natures of Jesus:
"In his humanity Jesus wept for Lazarus; in his divinity he raised him from the dead."
That's deeeeep.
Cool beans, huh??!!
And everyone said... Amen!

Invite your friends to Blog Church.
Where? HERE every Sunday.
And everyone said... Amen!

Roll with the Political Punches

The race for the White House started WAY too soon!!
We've still got an entire year to go!
Politicalemia Overloaditis (PO) is a disorder affecting millions of Americans.
The cure is humor.
If you are not able to laugh at jokes made at the expense of YOUR favorite presidential candidate, then you suffer from PO, and you need to take a chill pill.
This post is an equal opportunity offender.
I haven't chosen a candidate to support yet, so I decided to poke fun at all those I can think of who are running for prez.
I will skewer candidates from both sides of the political aisle because they all could use a good skewering.


I wonder what calculated STUNTS the presidential candidates have in store for us?!?
Oh, look! Edwards gave that homeless man a coupon for a free hair cut!
And Look!! Giuliani is out on the town with his devoted wife, formerly-devoted ex-wives, and adoring children!
Hey! There's Thompson carrying a Bible and having lunch with Franklin Graham!
News Flash!! Obama vowed to wear American flag boxers every day until he's inaugurated.


I wonder who will be the first candidate to CRASH & BURN?
-Huckabee was busted for promising moonshine in exchange for campaign donations.
-After news of abysmal fundraising, McCain was arrested early Saturday morning for robbing a 7-Eleven.
-Hillary says she'll raise taxes on beer & porn to pay for her health care plan.
-Romney admits he's really a Buddhist.
-Giuliani's wife announces her platform as First Lady will be Marital Faithfulness, with the catchy slogan, "Just say no!"


I wonder what brilliant PHOTO OPS we'll see?
-Obama wearing a "Foreign Affairs Genius" t-shirt
-A family of homeless illegals moving into Edwards's 2800 square foot storage shed
-Giuliani standing outside a gun shop with his arm around Charlton Heston
-Romney in a group hug with The Pope, Pat Robertson, & James Dobson
-Richardson handing out bottled water to Mexicans as they cross the border


I wonder what PROMISES they'll make on the campaign trail?
-To attract younger voters, McCain promises to dye his hair black and get a nose ring when his campaign donations reach 1/20 the amount of Romney's.
-Romney promises to write a $500 personal check to each person who votes for him.
-Hillary maybe doesn't promise not to not bring home the troops. ??
-Edwards promises that unlimited embryonic stem cell research will raise the dead.
-Giuliani promises to reduce US crime by 75%, capture Bin Laden, bomb Iran & Syria & North Korea & Russia, kill Hugo Chavez, & stop the genocide in Darfur within the first ten hours of his presidency.


I wonder what campaign products will be for sale?
-Actors Do It Better & Longer
(Thompson bumper stickers with bonus Viagra sample)
-Power Pant Suits by Hillary
(Sizes small to extra bitchy)
-Kick Boxing with Kucinich
(Get ripped with Dennis!)
-"You BETTER take my da*n call!"
(And other Giuliani ringtones)
-Portraits of Edwards - 2008 Calendars
(November features the full monty)
-Greatest Hits by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
(Romney offers a bonus pamplet called "We Let Negroes Join Now!")


I wonder what salacious tidbits we'll learn about the candidates???
I can see the headlines now:

McCain Pickpockets Fellow Senators

Thompson's Daughter Used to Babysit His Wife

Edwards Files Lawsuit Against Manicurist

Romney Secretly Addicted to Coffee

Biden is Clean & Articulate

Huckabee Turns Wine Into Water

Obama Frequents Tanning Salons

Giuliani Pees Sitting Down

Hillary Gets Free Lipo in Cuba

Ron Paul to be Kucinich's VP Pick

:-)
Enjoy trudging through all the political bull over the next year, and be SURE to vote for whomever strikes your fancy!
Feel free to skewer any of the candidates in the comments, but please have some fun with it!!

Our Poetic Masterpiece

Thanks to all who submitted words and phrases for our collaborative poem.
The words you submitted are IN ALL CAPS in the poem.
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IT WAS A DARK & STORMY NIGHT in Blog, WHERE THE OCEAN MEETS THE SEA,
Jamie Dawn ran out of truffles & cried, "THIS FRIGHTENS & CONFUSES ME!"

Every FABULOUS chocolate truffle had been devoured bite by bite,
"FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS," JD said aloud, "IT'S GOING TO BE A BUMPY NIGHT!"

In her ALBINO ALLIGATOR jammies, JD pondered her dreadful fate,
Without a truffle, she knew that soon to death she'd CAPITULATE.

Turning off THE FRINGED LAMP beside her bed, she tried to fall asleep,
SHE HEARD A BUMP... THEN A LUMP into her throat did creep.

"Wh-wh-who's there? Show yourself at once!" JD continued her DIATRIBE,
Nothing but silence... She secretly hoped it was someone she could bribe.

"MAKE LOVE NOT WAR! Please show yourself! EXPECTO PATRONUS!!
I'm not alone, I'll have you know! Uh, do you have any truffles you can loan us?"

All of sudden, the QUEEN OF BLOG appeared before JD,
"I have a mission for you to complete; IT'S A LITTLE TOO FAR OUT FOR ME."

JD proclaimed, "My queen, I'm weak from a lack of truffle eating,
But I swear by OCTOBER'S BLUEST SKY, I'll complete what needs completing!"

"There's a FESTIVAL OF SNARKS to be held at the time of THE RED, WHITE, & BLUE,
JD, you must infiltrate this group & report back to me what they do."

The QUEEN OF BLOG then presented JD with truffles piled high on a plate,
"Eat them & regain your strength, for you'll need it for BLOGSTOCK '08."

JD crammed the truffles in her mouth, chocolate ran down her lower lip,
"I BELIEVE I'LL HAVE ANOTHER plate, my queen, to sustain me on my trip."

The queen wrote down the secret BLOGSTOCK '08 Password Poem & Charm,
"You must say this poem & give Cliff a RAW OYSTER to gain entrance to his farm."

On July 4th, JD will arrive at Cliff's farm with RAW OYSTER in hand,
Cliff or Ralph or maybe Nora will of JD the Password Poem demand.

"REPLEVY REPLEVIN we're going to heaven where nothing is hitonious,
No mayo is found, and chocolate truffles abound & that is not erroneous!"

JD will gain entrance, but no one will know she's a spy for THE QUEEN OF BLOG,
JD will fit in, she will mingle & laugh, and she'll eat like a big, hungry hog.

The End

Poetry in Progress #2

I am going to write a poem, and I want your help.
Reach into the deep recesses of your mind, then put a word or VERY short phrase in the comments, and I will include it in my poetic masterpiece.
I have no idea where the whims of my fancy combined with your delightful words will lead.
I look forward to our collaboration.

Do NOT submit the following:
1. Foreign curse words
2. Curse words that rhyme with luck or pucker or tucking or ducked
3. Curse words of a hitonious nature

I will post our collaborative work this weekend.

DEADLINE for comments is Friday, 9 p.m. Eastern Time.
Leave me a word or short phrase you want included in the new poem.
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Here's the poetic masterpiece from our last collaboration.

The words you submitted are in all CAPS in the poem.

THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL FROM SNURL
a very poor village of Blogville,
With a SMILE she ate MAPLE SURPLE
and cuddled her MUD HEN, Will.

She found an ORANGE MAGIC CRAYON
tucked under an EFFLUVIUM weed,
"SHAZAAM!" thought she PARIPATETICALLY
"A STROKE OF GOOD FORTUNE, INDEED!"

The MAGIC CRAYON led this HILARMIOUS lady
to KUKLA, FRAN & OLLIE's ABSQUATULATE bar,
They said for the poor town's salvation
she must follow the PHANTASM STAR.

"WHEN YOU FIND IT, TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT!"
They sent her on her way with a cola,
She followed the STAR for hours on end
stopping once to pick a GLADIOLA.

Alas, the STAR stopped o'er a castle
"VISITORS WHO STAY TOO LONG,"
said the sign at the grand entrance
"MAKE ME WANT TO WRITE A SONG."

The sign was written in FURSHLUGGINER
the lost language of the DIAPHANOUS Tribe,
"Who wrote this sign?" she cried aloud
"Are you willing to take a bribe?"

Prince POTREZEBIE of Blogville emerged
his charm hit her. Wow! SMACK-A-ROO!,
"I'll write a song of US BLOGGING FOOLS
my VOLUPTUOUS lass, just for you."

"What A FABULOUS IDEA, filthy, rich prince!
does this mean I'm invited to stay?"
"Of course, my darling, STAR-sent love
We will HAVE A GOOD TIME all the day!"

"WHEN YOU FIND IT, TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT."
She recalled the poor people of Snurl,
"I could just say, 'Let them eat cake'
but I'm not a HITONIOUS girl.

"My Snurl Blog buddies are depending
upon me their SALVATION to bring,
They are suffering on a mass SCALE
"My lord, could we spare some dumplings?"

"'SEASONED WITH REASON AND SALTED WITH FAULT,'
that's the new Royal Blogville Decree.
All CHUNDERHEADS in Blogville, from TURTLES
to RAZORBACK hogs can always count on me!"

"RABBIT RABBIT!," she cried to the people of Snurl
as she entered with dumplings in hand,
"Good luck to my blog buddies near and far
And may God bless our wonderful land!"

The End

Tastes Like Chicken

Have you ever tried eating a grapefruit after putting lotion on your hands?
It doesn't work well.
The spoon keeps slipping.
It is very frustrating.

Hubby and I went to the county fair.
We did the most important thing one can do at a fair.
We made sure we met our fat intake requirement for the year.
We ate funnel cakes, roasted corn, and polish sausages.
There were lots of smelly, farm animals on display.

This mother rabbit actually wept when I told her there was a thing called birth control. Then she blurted out a string of expletives about that good-for-nothing, deadbeat man of hers. It was a sad thing to witness, but it was a good lesson for all the teenaged girl bunnies in the surrounding cages to learn.



What caption would you write for this photo?